Just tryin' to be real...

"It's difficult to say... goodbye"

2003-10-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

Alas, my blogging days are over. From now on, I will only be xanga-ing :oP Blogger - you have been good to me this past year, and for this I thank you.

For some odd reason, Trinity decided to block blogger.com again, which just seems ridiculous to me, but oh well! I now have xanga, which I happen to enjoy more anyway. (If you care to get a rundown of all the pros of using xanga, let me know. I'd be happy to share!)

Sooooo, to all my CPW peeps - I'm glad you all jumped on the blogging bandwagon. It's so wonderful reading your blogs and keeping updated on your lives. Mind you, I won't stop reading them just because I crossed over to the xanga world... I'll still be checking in and signing guestbooks! And I'd like to encourage you once more to at least sign up at xanga so you can post comments on my entries *wink wink, nudge nudge* There's no obligation to post to your own site... Just sign up and leave me some love! :) :) :)

I love you all, and I bid you adieu!!!

FROM NOW ON, CHECK ME OUT AT: www.xanga.com/Stefiny_Lynn

2003-10-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, kids... This whole xanga vs. blogger thing is driving me crazy. How about I list the pros and cons... Maybe ya'll can give me some insight.

Reasons for switching to xanga:
It's SO much easier to use - posting is easier and faster, you can change your template as often as you want and however you want it to look without having to know/use HTML and you'll see your changes immediately, you can put your picture up in your profile, xanga provides a guestbook AND a little "comments" and "eprops" section, and it has xangazon which allows you to put up "currently playing/reading/watching" along with the picture and title of whatever it is you're listening to, reading, or watching... and, well, mostly I guess I just like it better overall!

Reasons for staying with blogger (there's really only 2):
I don't want to lose my guestbook entries, and anyone (whether or not they're members of the blogspot) can sign the guestbook. (On xanga, you have to sign up)

So, as of right now, I'm thinking that xanga is the way to go. I just like it a whole lot better. And, as much as I will MISS ya'll having the freedom to sign my guestbook or post comments... *sigh*

Althoooooooough... Mel, being the wonderful woman that she is, signed my xanga guestbook by signing up for a xanga account. Just cuz you sign up for an account, doesn't mean you actually have to post to it!!! Here's what you can do folks...

When you go to my xanga site (www.xanga.com/stefiny_lynn), you can either click on "sign my guestbook" or, at the bottom of whatever post you're reading, click on "add comments" (or, if someone's already posted comments, it'll say 1 comment or 2 comments, whatev)... The comments thing is the same as the guestbook - except you can also give me 0, 1, or 2 eprops. OK, so you do that - type in your little message/comment (ie: Stephanie, you're the coolest!) and then when you click on Submit, it'll take you to a page to either sign in or sign up. If you sign up for a xanga account, than you can submit the comment!!! :) :) :) Doesn't that sound like a great idea?! eh?! EH?! :) :) :)

Ok, I'm done. Xanga it is. I'll still be checking this one, and perhaps even posting to it from time to time. I'm certainly not going to delete it until I can figure out how to save my guestbook entries. But yeah, I'm 99% sure my decision is made. So, once again, it's www.xanga.com/stefiny_lynn Know it, love it, and for cryin' out loud read it!

(I'll do an official goodbye at a later date, once I'm 100% sure of the decision to switch.)

2003-10-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

"Every day is a new day/ I'm thankful for every breath I take/ I won't take it for granted/ So I'll learn from my mistakes..." P.O.D., God bless 'em.

Welp, I had a fairly crappy night last night, but I'm over it. I had a good time at lunch today. (Thanks to Graham for giving me the wonderful calendar idea!) On the schedule today: Mens soccer game at 2:00 (Go Trojans!) and then perhaps out to see School of Rock tonight... Jack Black is hilarious, so even though the movie brings great risk of being dumb, he'll no doubt make it worth it.

I just finished cleaning my room and I must say I feel so much more...what's the word...serene now that it's clean and organized. I took out the trash, picked up everything off of the floor, made our beds, dusted, and vacuumed. *sigh* It's amazing how much your environment affects your mood. Good feng shui produces high levels of chi.

You know what I've always wanted to do? Write a whole letter to someone (or perhaps a whole post to my blog/xanga) using only song lyrics. Wouldn't that be cool? Pretty sure I'll try it someday.

OK, that was earlier today.... around 1:30ish... Here's what I have to say for the rest of the day...

I'm just oh-so-happy... I had a mega good day. Nothing spectacularly out of the ordinary, but just a good quality day. Care for a rundown? Good, cuz you're gonna get one.

So, as I said earlier, I had a good time at lunch - I totally treasure mealtimes with my friends in Melton. And, as I also said, I cleaned the room, which wonderfully heightened my chi. And then I headed over to the mens soccer game with Graham and Matt, where we met up with Travis, Brandon, and Kyle, and then soon my roomie. The game started off with a bang - Judson was super tough, borderline playing dirty, and the refs weren't calling anything on them. But our guys held their ground and took 'em 2-0. It was an awesome game! Afterwards, my roomie and I chilled a bit and then I attempted to do some homework... Buuuuut, I'm pretty sure laying in bed + reading for multicultural = instantaneous sleep. So, after my mini-nap, I went to Melton with Graham and Matt (I absolutely love those two), then we came back here to figure out a game plan for the night. Matt left to work on his speech while Graham and I putzed around, soon joined by Travis. We watched the Cubs game (while also goofing around, reminiscing through my old photo albums, eating pizza, etc.) - hooray for whomping the Marlins! - and then it was off to see School of Rock... It definitely did rock - very funny indeed. Especially the little gay kid who was the band's "stylist" and the Asian keyboardist who said, "You are a fat loser and you have body odor!" Ahhhh, such fun.

Did I mention that I love my friends? Cuz I sure do. I am not made to be alone, that's for sure. I'm made for community, fellowship, all that jazz. I'm happiest and at my best when I'm with those I love - even if it's just one other person. *sigh* Pure contentment, this is it.

Ok, enough cheesiness... Time to go to bed. Church tomorrow!!! :) Goodnight kids

2003-10-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

Wow, my counter is at 2,999!!! That means the next person who reads this (it could be YOU!) will be my 3,000th visitor... How exciting :)

OK, that's about all I have for today... My desire to post in this blog is dwindling. I'm leaning more and more towards switching over completely to my xanga site. Though I'm not quite ready to disclose the site address to you just yet. I might want to keep it to myself for awhile longer. We shall see.

Either way, I'll be sure to make a formal exit from one or the other. :) Later yo

2003-10-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

Sweet, sweet victory!!! Props to Travis for being my partner in Mission: Get Blogger Back. We succeeded, and I must say, we rule. OK, down to business at hand...

Two things I learned about myself today... Scratch that - I'm sure they are things that have always been true about me and thus I always in a sense knew them already, but today I just happened to vocalize them. It was a "Eureeka" moment, as one of my profs always says... Anyway, back to the point...

First of all, if I were ever in battle, I would not be at the front lines. This isn't because I'm a coward by any means, but rather I'm not one who forges ahead to really get things going. Another example: if a union of workers were gathering in protest and planning to go on strike, I wouldn't join them. I'm not a person who fights the system, I'm not pro-active, I'm not constantly pushing the envelope. Somewhere along the lines, as I grew up, I learned to not necessarily roll with the punches (because I'm certainly not a doormat) but rather I will work with what I'm given. I take the plate that's handed to me. If someone gives me an apple and there's a bruise on it, I'll just cut the bruise off and eat the apple. Someone more proactive might ask for a different apple. Not me. And like I said, I'm not a doormat. I won't let someone/people walk all over me. When it comes to certain things involving special education, for example, I will fight for what is right, needed, deserved, and fair. I'm extremely passionate about that. However, when it comes to things that I'm not passionate about (though they may still matter to me and touch my heart), I just don't feel a desire to go out and make a splash.

Next on the list... My roommate is involved in our campus's women's ministry council, and they are currently planning a seminar of sorts involving women and men which will revolve around spiritual leadership roles. It sounds like it's going to be REALLY interesting - especially since both perspectives will be presented. After she finished telling me about it, I walked away thinking about the type of spiritual leader I would want/expect my future husband to be. I came to a pretty good conclusion that I think really reflects myself - who I am and my relationship needs. A lot of women I know expect their boyfriend/husband to want to do a little Bible study with her and to want to pray together all the time and check up on her making sure she's doing her devotions every day, etc etc etc. That stuff is all well and good, and it's great to have in your relationship from time to time. (Especially the accountability aspect - I think it's very important, but it should be dual-sided and the parameters for accountability can be decided based on each other's needs.) Praying together is awesome and couples should most definitely do it, even reading the Bible together sometimes. But, for me personally: the basic foundation of the kind of "spiritual leader" I would need my boyfriend/husband to be is someone who shares my desires in following and obeying God - such that we can grow and serve Him together. I think that's key. I want someone to desire purity as much as I do, desire to be obedient, desire to be in the center of God's will at all times. If we share these desires, then we can work together to make them happen - encouraging each other along the way and helping/correcting each other when needed. That's the kind of spiritual leader that I want. Now, some of you might be thinking, "That's not a spiritual leader, that's a partner." Exactly. The leadership part of it comes in a marriage more so than a dating relationship.

Aaaaaaand, that's my speech for the day. So, those two not-so-little tidbits are just a couple insights into my soul. The second of which is a topic that could go much deeper and provoke many more points and opinions, but not for today. Plus, the Simpsons are gonna be on soon :)

Ok, bye kids... Take care, and keep on keepin' on!

2003-10-06T19:28:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm cutting to the chase today...

First things first, I started a xanga site... I mostly signed up just so I could post comments on my V.V.T.'s xanga site... I must say, while I have been a loyal member of the blogspot for almost a full year now, Xanga is a whole lot easier to use which makes it tempting to switch over. However, while blogger is a bit more complicated with all the HTML and whatnot, once you get used to your own template, it's not bad at all. Plus, I appreciate the opportunity to really make the site your own with the ability to add tons of links and other cool stuff. So, no concrete plans for crossing over just yet, we shall see...

Next on the list... Homecoming week is done and over :( So sad... But it was a really fun one which gave me lots of new memories. Let's start with the pep rally... It was good! Props to the girls volleyball team for their fun little skit - they had the right idea... Dress all ghetto, do a little dance, throw candy to the crowd, and leave. It was short, funny, and entertaining - the crowd didn't have the chance to get bored! The coronation was nice... Matt and I perfectly performed a cute little spin which we did at the end of the lighted aisle...I think everyone enjoyed it... And, the moment we'd all been waiting for.... Yeahhhhh, no crown for me. Haha, but congrats to Blessing!!! She honestly deserves it - she is one incredible woman! (Oh yeah, and Graham - you're okay too :p hehe, j/k)

Skip ahead to Saturday and it's time for the football game - which we sadly lost. (How dumb that we had to play the 2nd ranked team for our homecoming game! Don't they know that we're supposed to play an easy team?! What the crap, that's all I have to say.) Regardless, we had a great time cheering them on... And, during halftime, I was oh-so-proud to point to my roomie in a mini-shout out over our shared affinity for Snood. Next it was onto the men's soccer game - they had a rough one as well, but came out with a 1-0 win. Heidi and I had some laughs avoiding a certain someone and his water bottle... but let's not go there :p

After the sporting events, it was time to get ready for the banquet! Steph and I kept with our regular tradition of getting ready by sitting on the floor with our full-length mirror turned on it's side and propped up on the dresser drawers, all the while doing our hair and makeup to the wonderful sounds of 'NSync :) Good times indeed. We looked hot, if I do say so myself, especially Steph... And we headed off to the banquet. The food was decent (nothing spectacular, considering it was Sodexho), Blessing and Graham gave great speeches, and the swing dancing was a blast! (Once I finally got myself out of the little "I'm so pissed at the world" mood, that is! But that's a whole other story that you'll probably NEVER hear!)

My roomie and I got back to the dorm around 11:30 and decided we didn't want the night to end just yet. So, we changed out of our dresses and into normal, somewhat ghetto-ish clothes, and headed out to the Cubby Bear to do some more dancing! We had a blast. It was somewhat like culture shock for my dear roomie, but I was so proud of her!!! She definitely laid the smack down on 3 Mexicans that were behaving, well, let's just say un-Christianly towards us... hahaha (we're hot.)

So, finally, that brings us to Sunday. Not so exciting... though church was particularly awesome. I spent all afternoon catching up on homework, then I hung out with Bre aka V.V.T. all evening, which was wonderful as usual. She's so awesome. Vihn, I think we should start the "b.o.b." club... If you don't know what that stands for, think about what you wrote at the end of my letter... Wouldn't that be fun?! You can be president, of course. hahaha...

OK, well that brings us to the present. I'm babysitting for a couple of very rowdy boys and I'm hoping they'll simmer down soon and fall asleep. (Right now I'm hearing "You fart-brain!" followed by "*gasp!* Take. that. back!!!" and "Briiiiing it onnnnn!"

Okkkkkkk, welp, as always - Take care, folks, and keep on keepin' on!

2003-09-30T15:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, kids... Seth is outside playing, and I've got some time before Sam's bus gets here and we have to leave, so here it is... I've got something to say which is outside of my most recent ramblings that only list the random facts of my life.

My good friend Bre (oops! I keep forgetting to call her Vihn Van Tran!) has decided to play matchmaker... Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Find me a find, catch me a catch!!! Yeahhh, sorry, don't mind me (it's always fun to randomly break into song! - I do it all the time, just not always out loud)... Anyway!

First of all, a disclaimer: I am in no way desperate for a boyfriend nor am I constantly and freakishly on the prowl NOR am I in any rush to earn my MRS degree. BUT, I must say, from what I know so far, this guy seems to have some actual potential - imagine that?! Vihn Van Tran went to high school with him and she has nothing but excellent things to say about him. (They dated a bit on and off, and she says she broke it off with him cuz she felt he was too good for her.)

Apparently she has done quite a job of pitching me to him! Yikes!!! My buddy V.V.T. has lots of information on me; I hope she chose to portray my best side! (I know, I know - the eternal mistake made by every couple is when they show only their best side to their significant other at all times, and then when they REALLY get to know the other person, disaster ensues... but hey - I'D like to be the one to reveal my faults and flaws, not someone else. :) Thankyouverymuch.)

I trust that Vihn did a good job, no worries! Apparently this Michigan man (yes, he's in Michigan, which is a downside) is going to be emailing me... so we shall see!!!

Ok, I hope you enjoyed the update of my newest little intrigue... Here's a movie quote for your farewell - "Goodbye my dearest!... Au revoir!... Auf Wiedersehn!... Ciao!... Chingao-tay!" (ok, so I'm totally off on the spelling of that last one, but hey - can anyone guess the movie?!)

Another Monday...

2003-09-29T18:32:00.000-05:00

Here we are again... Last week Monday seems like a loooong time ago. Let's see - what has happened since I posted last? Apparently nothing incredibly noteworthy (or should I say blog-worthy?!) since nothing is coming to mind... The week finished out like most weeks do - slowly yet busy enough that by the time it's Friday, you're like "Wow, it's Friday already?!"

I got in a minor car accident Friday afternoon... Sparing the details, God really pulled through for me. I didn't get hurt, I didn't hit anyone else, and the damage to my car was far less than it should've been given the circumstances. So, right now, "Malibu Stacy" (the little-known nickname I've given my car) is in the trustworthy (I hope!) hands of the men at Classic Chevrolet & Toyota in Waukegan, so soon I'll know what the damage to my checkbook will be...

Friday night Heidi and I went out with John, Scott, and Rick to celebrate Scott's 23rd birthday. As usual, we visited Jon at Champp's and had a fun time, despite the surprisingly high bill... (Apparently Jon wasn't able to hook us up the way he usually does!) The birthday boy footed the heftier part of the bill since it was he who was doing most of the ordering anyway! When we got back to the apartment, Jon put in a movie but we all pretty much fell asleep - it was a late night. I slept till 12:30 on Saturday afternoon. I still have Jon's little star-shaped One Year pin, so I'm hoping he'll want to be re-claiming that sometime soon! :op

Saturday afternoon brought the mens' soccer game - which was awesome despite the frigidly cold weather! (Inga and I are SOOOO super-fans! Thanks again to Mike Waters for rescuing us with extra sweatshirts!) The boys whooped IL Institute of Technology at 6-0... The highlight of the game was when Ben scored a goal with a header! And of course, it's always a blast cheering for my buddies Josh, Drew, etc... I really do need to make it to a girls game as well, especially since they just slaughtered their way through the last game at 16-0!!!

Saturday night was pretty low key - I was really tired. I watched Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho over in 106 (good movie! It really IS a classic, I'd recommend it), then opted out of going to see Matchstick Men with the guys so that I could hit the hay instead. Church Sunday morning was awesome, as usual (the Lord was speaking, my friends!) It was wonderful to be greeted by Joe with a big smile, "Heyyyy, it's the Stephanies!" and a big group hug. Steph and I had a lazy afternoon in the suite, and then an equally nice evening hanging out with Brandon, Travis, and Bre, with an eventual trip over to visit the boys in 106.

And hence, that brings us to today... Lots to look forward to in this next week, though - it's homecoming week! Wednesday is the pep rally (always a riot) and coronation (dun-dun-dunnnn! LoL), and an added bonus to that is my parents are coming down! (They're so supportive :) ) Saturday is the homecoming football game against McKendree (as well as the mens soccer game - pretty sure I'll be running back and forth, not sure who to watch!) and then that night is the banquet and "Big Band Extravaganza!" Yay for swing dancing! It'll be fun times... I'm excited :)

Sorry that I don't have too much else interesting to report. There's plenty more that I could say and much more detail I could get into, but due to my broad audience of readers, I'm forced to censor this darn thing. I mean, I don't HAVE to, but seriously folks - there's no need for ALL of you to know ALL my business :) You, depending on who YOU may be, will get select packets of information when I deem necessary and/or appropriate. So, with that said, I bid you adieu...

Take care, and as always, keep on keepin' on!

2003-09-22T18:44:00.000-05:00

I just had a really really good day :) Actually, the past few days were pretty fantastic... Nothing really new has happened in the last week or so since I posted, BUT, I've been happy which is wonderful. With the exception of Friday night, which was a downer for unknown reasons - perhaps just because I wasn't feeling well?... Anyway, so we'll just pretend that night never happened - To quote Zack Martin, "Let's talk about something nice...like butterflies!" (Random note: speaking of butterflies, there's been lots of them around lately! It's great!) Anyway..

Onto the weekend update... Saturday I slept in until 10, which was great because I finally got caught up. I then proceeded to be fairly lazy for the next two hours, which was a much-needed rest as well. Then I did a bit of shopping and then some homework. After dinner, I called John Thomas and made plans to hang out with him and Scott later that evening, after they were done apartment-hunting. So, I watched Two Weeks Notice (great movie! I'd never seen it before) while finishing up some homework, then I headed out to Forest Pointe. John, Scott, and I went out to visit Jon at Champ's (the restaurant) and he hooked us up phat with food and drinks, which was of course excellent. By the time we got back, Joe was home - so the four of us cozied up our respective couches and watched Me Myself And Irene, all the while with John conveniently shoving his feet in my face from time to time. About a half hour later, Jon got home from work and joined us for the rest of the movie. I finally left there around 3:15am... (I always have such a great time hanging out with those guys... You'll definitely be seeing it as a fairly regular occurence this year.)

It was difficult to drag myself out of bed Sunday morning, but I did it for two reasons: 1) I couldn't wait to go to church - I love the Vineyard in Mundelein (soon to be in Libertyville!!!) and 2) Joe was coming down to visit me! Joe arrived around 10am and we headed out, making a stop at Dunkin Donuts to kill time and eat bagels. Church was good, as usual, and as a bonus the worship was particularly awesome... We went shopping at Hawthorne, ate lunch at Chipotle, and headed back to campus. We spent the rest of the afternoon just chilling - Bre came by and joined us. Then we went to dinner (Joe was strangely excited about eating cafeteria food again!) and Joe left. I continued hanging out with Bre and Travis... Bre and I laughed a lot. Oh, and by the way - she is no longer Bre and I am no longer Stephanie. She is Vihn Van Tran, and I am Clavo. Mucho points to whoever knows where those characters came from :) I went over to 3A to have a little pow wow with Heidi, then Bre (I mean Vihn Van Tran!) went home, and Travis and I watched Bringing Down The House. (I just realized that I watched a lot of movies this weekend... shouldn't be surprised, but still.)

Today was a great day for multiple reasons... I got my roomie back - I missed her oh-so-much while she was gone all weekend! I love that girl - despite the fact that she proceeded to call me a fag for not telling her about court! (Sorry Schmooey, you would've found out soon enough anyway!) Anyway, it was also a great day because I went for my first afternoon of observing at Greenwood. My teacher is a Christian, I was so excited! Plus she's awesome. And there's only 20 kids in the class - they're all pretty hilarious too. So it should be a fun 36 hours with them :)

Dinner tonight was particularly entertaining as well. The food sorta stunk, but the company was great. Brandon, Steph, me, Graham, Travis, Matt, and Nate... It felt a lot like old times. I can't even tell you how much these people mean to me - I'm so blessed to have them (just to name a few!) in my life. And to know that the feeling is mutual - it just blows me away!!! *sigh of contentment*

Aaaaanyway, now I'm babysitting. The boys are watching Fairly Odd Parents... Pretty soon I'll be drugging them up with their meds and sending them off to bed!

And that's about all I have for ya this time... Mara - I'm so glad you came to visit. It was great having you! Joe - thanks for coming down to spend the day! You rock, chico. Brooke - I love reading about how happy you are! I miss you too, babe! Nikki - keep me updated about your grandpa so I can keep praying. *big hug* Mom - If you're reading this during your night shift, feel free to sign my guestbook again!!! I LOVE YOU ALL... And to anyone else who reads this, I love you too! :) (That sounds cliche and you may be tempted to doubt my sincerity, but I probably actually really do love you! So there.)

Take care, folks, and as always - keep on keepin' on...

2003-09-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

So, in case you haven't noticed - since I don't get to post very often, my blog is basically written for all those who are outside of my TIU bubble. A source for updates on my sometimes-but-not-always-exciting life. If/when we get blogger.com back on campus, then perhaps my posts will venture a bit deeper below the surface... But until then, to my faithful readers (Mom, Joe, Brooke, Nikki, Mel, etc!), Enjoy - because I'm doing this all for you!

The Weekly Update

2003-09-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh, I’m so sleepy today! I’m babysitting for the Hackley’s right now (which is why I’m able to post at all – www.blogger.com is still blocked on campus :( grrrr...) I got here at 7:30 and will be here until about 3:30. Right now the boys are watching cartoons and they’re practically in a trance, so I’ll just sit here and give you a nice, detailed update…
Anyway, back to me being sleepy... It’s not just cuz I got up early this morning. Like a good little college student, I was also out quite late on a school night... (Hey, at least I got up for my 8:00 the next morning, that’s more than some people can say!) Thursday night, I went out to John Thomas’s apartment again... I got to spend some one-on-one, getting-to-know-you time with each of his roommates, which was fun. Joe is hilarious and totally cool to hang out with, and my conversation with Jon is one I won’t forget for a long time! He’s super nice – above and beyond what I’d expected... And, of course, it’s always a good time chilling with Fun Guy John Thomas. I stayed out there much later than planned... When a whole bunch of people came by around midnight or so, it started to get really fun (before it was chill fun, this was silly fun – thanks to Homestar) so I ended up staying till about 2am.
So, like I said, I got up for my 8:00 on Friday morning and was somewhat zombie-ish all day – until I got to take a nap for a couple hours. That helped. Friday nights are usually pretty chill around here – we usually just hang out and then either go to a movie or watch one in the dorms... Everyone else went to see “Once Upon a Time in Mexico”, (except apparently it was sold out)… But it was my friend Joe’s 23rd birthday, so I went to his little birthday gathering around 10:30, with Jonathan and Mary. We went chilled at his house for a bit and it was great to see him again, plus to catch up with Charles, Luke, Yoshi, and Kristian. Then my roommate arrived, we gathered up all the others (like Jonathan’s brother Rick, and the Potesta’s) and we headed out to a park in Libertyville… I got to ride in Joe’s new Camaro and play with his cool iPod, and despite him driving like 80mph the whole way there, almost everyone somehow still beat us to the park. Then, the 10-15 twenty-somethings who were there proceeded to play a crazy game called Monkey Tag – a game that everyone there LOVED (they were old pros at it).. It’s definitely a game that I think would be very popular amongst the 104 Fam as well. I think Steph and I will have to introduce everyone to it! It’s also called “Fish Out of Water”… Basically, everyone has to stay up on the jungle gym/playground and the person who is It has their eyes closed, trying to tag someone – all the while being taunted and teased. (If you’re not It, you can touch the person who is It – cuz they have to tag you with their hand.) If the person who is It says “Fish Out of Water” and any person is on the ground, they will automatically be It. It may sound a little dumb, but trust me, it’s a blast!
So, after about an hour of the game – and lots of laughing and taking funny pictures – Steph and Mary and I needed to head out, since we all had to work early today. After a stop at Dunkin Donuts, we were back to Trinity and in bed by 1:30. Good times, indeed. (Sidenote: Joe just bought a house, so we’re hoping he’ll take us up on our offer to help him decorate it! Ikea here we come!!!)
Tonight should prove to be very fun as well... After I’m done here, I’m going straight out to Zack and Bre’s for a night of volleyball (hopefully – if it’s not too wet or raining), games/cards, pizza, movies, hanging out, and otherwise general merriment. It’s always good times with the 104 Fam... Tomorrow will be all about church and homework.
Besides the social side of my life, things are going well. Meetings for DCAB and with my DP3 girls went really well. My girls are all doing great. I’m so thankful that I get to be a part of their lives – put in this place to encourage and uplift them in different areas of their lives as well as their ministries on their respective floors. God has been blessing me through them; it’s really awesome.
Worship in chapel on Friday was incredible... The last song we sang was “In Christ Alone” and wow, my heart just swelled and I couldn’t keep those few tears from falling... It was so beautiful to be in the midst of the body of Christ, all worshipping Him from our hearts. I got this picture of angels among us and together we were all a heavenly choir. (Forgive the cheesiness, it was just really powerful.)
Classes are going well... It was actually a pretty easy week; I had a pretty light workload – which in turn caused me to procrastinate on the few things that I did have to do. But oh well. Like I said, tomorrow I am going to get a lot done so that I can hopefully make next week easier as well. (Less homework = more opportunities for social time!)
I miss my CPW peeps – Joe, Brooke, Nikki, Mel, Scoot, Nichole... You guys still rule. But hey, you TIU kids, I’m so glad to have you here. Heidi – you rock my socks off, I love you girl. The 104 Fam – that’s a given. I love you all so much. And to all the rest who most likely don’t even read this thing, you’re awesome too :) I’m very blessed.
Take care, folks, and keep on keepin’ on. (And hey, don’t neglect the guestbook – it could use some lovin’!)

2003-09-06T18:24:00.000-05:00

Sorry sorry sorry for not posting sooner!!! Believe me, I’ve wanted to... But Trinity’s Information Technology people, being the over-protective folks that they are, have blogger.com blocked, so we obviously aren’t able to post. (Don’t worry, we’re working on getting through to them...) I’m actually babysitting right now, hooray for access to the WHOLE internet!

I have been back at Trinity for just over 2 weeks now... It has been FANTASTIC. It’s so great to be back with my friends, I can’t even express to you how great. First things first, though: I was immediately accepted onto the Discipleship Cabinet and we began all the training stuff with the DP3’s right away. I have 5 girls who I will be discipling this year and I’m really excited about it. As far as DCAB in general, it’s evident that God wants me in this position and I’m eager to take from it all He has to offer as well as give all that I can. As far as the social life goes, like I said – it’s SO great to be back with my friends. These past two weekends have been absolutely filled with lots of time with the Fam, which always brings fun, laughter, and hanging out 104-style. Highlights thus far: Last weekend we were “spontaneous” downtown, which was hilarious. And of course the obligatory movie night, with the scary movie theater Nazi watching us like a hawk. This Saturday was my roomie’s 21st birthday – yayyyyyy!!!!! The BBQ at Zack and Bre’s brought good food, Trivial Pursuit (the new version), lots of sneezing due to the flying cat hair, and crazy competitive volleyball games (Team S1 all the way!)... Sunday night was spent chillin’ in the Quads with Brandon’s room as the place to be. And finally, Monday night – at the College Union auction – we scored a fabulous L-shaped couch for our suite! Very exciting indeed – finally our suite is once again homey and inviting. This weekend, thus far, has been a bit more low-key as we (meaning, the 104 family) have all sorta done our own thing due to work schedules, RA’s on duty, and homework. Last night was great, though. Heidi and I, after hanging out all afternoon, became determined to find something to do to fight off boredom and depression (haha) so we made our way out to Forest Pointe apartments to visit John Thomas. It was good times, despite the continuous sneezing and nose-blowing due to Joe’s cats, Lucy and Ethel. (If I was unsure about my allergy to cats before, I’m certainly not now!) Plus, I got to see Nicole, who I hadn’t seen or spoken to since May!!!

Yes, it is good to be back. Though, still haunting me in the back of my mind is the knowledge that this is almost like my last semester to really have with my friends because I will be student teaching next semester. (I have to make the most of every minute I have with them!!!) And even more scary is the thought of graduating in May – first of all, I have no clue what I’m going to do, and secondly, I don’t want to go off and do it by myself!!! I want to stay near friends - somehow, some way... Ugh, we shall see!!! I refuse to let myself get all worried about it now.

Anyway, that’s basically what’s been going on apart from classes... I’m only taking 14-credits, but it should still be a full load with that and 3 meetings/week for DCAB and babysitting twice a week and the 36 hours of observation I need for one of my ed. classes. This semester, in case you’re interested, I’m taking Reading and Writing Across the Curriculum, Psych of Addictions, Interpersonal Skills Training, Introductory Statistics, and Multicultural Field Experience. I basically like all of my classes – except Statistics, but we shall see. As long as I can get through that one with an A, I’ll be more than satisfied.

I guess that's about all I have to report... To all my homies and CPW crew - Joe, Brooke, Mara, Nikki, Mel, Scootie, Nicole - I miss you lots!!! *Hugs to you all*

2003-08-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

I'm a dreamer. That's who I am, that's what I do. I like to dream BIG. Sometimes I dream about awesome things happening TO me - most often in some idealistically romantic and highly unlikely fashion (I'm a girl, what can I say)... Other times it's about things that I DO - places I go, situations I encounter, changes I help to bring about, people I influence... The all-encompassing theme of these things I do is that they are done because the Lord has called me to do them. I valiantly obey His leading and thus fulfill His purpose for my life.

So... wait, isn't that how Christians are called to live? Listen to God, be obedient, do His will, etc etc etc. Well, if only it were that easy, right? It's not always easy. We get mixed messages, we feel torn between what the world has to offer and what we know is right, what we want and what we know is best... And Satan is always ever-so-happy to jump in and confuse us even further.

Throughout my life, I've found that I have a tremendous tendency to scare myself away from these dreams or ideas or plans or hopes. (No doubt, Satan plays a huge role - but, as I usually do, I blame myself.) Now, I'm not a person who lives in fear by any means, but I am afraid of failure. Even more so, rejection - in various forms. Maybe that's why I always dream about doing big things... I can imagine them - enjoying the little movie going on in my head and perhaps even toying with the idea of having the strength to actually carry them out... but still, by merely dreaming I am safe from the risk of failure and rejection. This leads me to wonder - how often have I actually acted on these little dreams of mine? How often do I attempt to make them reality? Well, today I acted. And I'm scared spitless.

From a few different sources throughout this summer, the subject of discipleship has been placed in front of me. Several different people that I respect and admire and who know me well have suggested that I consider the prospect of discipleship more this year - that I should consider being a discipler. I talked to my roommate about it, and she said I should call Liz in Student Ministries - ask her about the Discipleship Cabinet (or, "D-Cab" for those who are savvy with the lingo). So, today, I took a deep breath and called her. We talked for awhile - she was very helpful and appreciative of my interest and initiative. All the positions are filled, but it's still likely that I'd be able to join. So, she invited me to attend a "visioneering" meeting tomorrow afternoon and the leadership dinner tomorrow night... I can sort of just sit in and get a feel for what they are doing, to see if it's something I'd really like to be a part of. And then we'll see what to do from there. I told her I'd be there. Right when I hung up the phone, I just sat there for a few minutes - frozen. What did you just get yourself into?! You're so not equipped for this, why did you ever think you could do this? How stupid, you're gonna make a fool of yourself somehow, that's for sure... Is that an attack from Satan? YEAH, I'd say so.

So I called Stephanie and left her a message telling her about my conversation with Liz and also my current feelings on the subject. I know her prayers will help. And even after writing about it now, I'm feeling better - more confident. But also, more than anything, I need God. I want Him to affirm me, to confirm that I am equipped to do this and that He will further provide me with the things I need. I have always enjoyed being a listener and being someone that people feel they can come to with their problems/questions/struggles... I love being able to identify with people and I think I have enough life experience so far to be able to relate to almost anyone on at least some level. With these "qualifications," I think the Discipleship Cabinet would be a good place for me to serve as well as grow in the Lord and hopefully learn how to better use the gifts He's given me. Plus, it would a great way for me to take the focus off of my own little world and put it on others.

*sigh* Oye-vey, talk about catharsis. Blogs sure are great for that. Yes, regardless of whether or not I am a part of D-Cab, this is going to be a good year.

2003-08-17T11:32:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday. I'm here at the Hackley's all day, 9-4. I love babysitting on these Sundays, because even though I have to miss church - I get paid twice as much as usual. Jen has her single mom's group, and so not only do I get paid my normal amount, but the group also pays me $54 in cash. Always very exciting.

Do you realize that I only have two work days left?! Monday I'm working with Ruth all afternoon (and no doubt she'll make the most of every minute!) and Tuesday I'm with Ruth in the morning and the Hackley's all afternoon/evening. THEN, I'm done! Wednesday I have the day to myself - I even get to go have lunch with KRISTY! (who I ridiculously haven't gotten to see since May!) And then, on Thursday, that long-awaited day, I will be completely moved out of Ruth's place and on my way HOME for 4 whole days until it's time to move back into the dorms for my fourth and final year at Trinity! Oh the excitement of it all, I can barely stand it!!!

I don't have much to say today... That's basically my update. Not much has been going on lately - nothing exciting to you anyway. I've just been focused on moving all of my stuff out and trying to figure out how to get all my junk organized in the dorm. The plan is to be organized with all of my necessities while also aesthetically pleasing in my method of organization.

OK, I have two hungry boys who want to go to McDonald's for lunch (aren't I a great babysitter?!) so I best be going! Hopefully I'll have more exciting news next time...

Take care, kids, and keep on keeping on!

2003-08-12T08:42:00.000-05:00

I just have to share this quote that I found the other day - It's truth sorta blew me away...

Only in silence or in song are the most profound thoughts ever uttered.

2003-08-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

If I could invent an adjective to describe this weekend whose meaning would encompass all positive adjectives in existence, I would. But, it's early and I'm tired, so... you get the idea :) In case you haven't figured it out, I had an awesome weekend. Care to hear a few details?

I went home on Thursday afternoon and chilled with the fam all evening. Friday morning I got up and baked a cake for my mommy's birthday. I didn't do much all morning, and then spent the afternoon with my mom - going to see Pirates of the Carribean and doing a bit of shopping. That night I went out to Sharkey's in Waukesha with Joe and Brooke (and Nicole came out for a bit too). We had an absolute blast! Much more fun than I'd expected. Brooke and I even managed to beat Joe in a game of pool! Saturday morning was another early one as I got up to get ready for the long day ahead of me...

I left at about 10:30 to head back to IL, getting to the doggie place in Lake Bluff at around noon. Then, at about 1:00, Brandon, Steph, Katie, Elise, and I began to race toward Rockford to make it to the 2:30 wedding on time. (It was a stretch - we had to change in the parking lot, but we made it!) Andrew and Marcie were just about the happiest couple I have EVER seen! Marcie grinned through the entire ceremony and the vows they had written to each other were beautiful. They added their own creative [crazy!] touches all over the place... For example, instead of blowing bubbles or throwing birdseed as the new couple exited the church, everyone was given tiny little squirt guns and Andrew and Marcie came running past wearing rain ponchos! Another fun thing was the centerpieces at the reception... The tables alternated with some having very tall vases and others having short round ones. (For those who don't know - the groom is 6'9" and the bride is 5'1"... They obviously have a great sense of humor about the whole thing!)

As approximately 12 of us sat at the round table, we felt very reminescent of Melton - though, needless to say, the food was far superior... once we FINALLY got to eat! (We were all waiting to be dismissed when we realized that there was no one dismissing!) However, once we had full stomachs and were getting tired of hearing people stand up and sing "love" songs to make the bride and groom kiss, we were SO ready to hit the dance floor! The DJ was pretty good and we all had a blast. By far, the best (and most anticipated) song of the night: The Cha-Cha Slide!!! We also had a great time during one song, when Heidi got the idea to form two lines and then pairs of people will fly down the aisle doing whatever crazy moves they come up with... My roomie and I did our signature "dirty bird"- type move, and Travis and I did Corky's famous dance move from Waiting for Guffman... It was funny to watch everyone except the dating/married couples leave the dance floor when a slow song came on... (It was quite junior high-ish actually...) BUT, thanks to my buddy Graham, I did get to dance for one of 'em, so I was satisfied!)

Once we were all sufficiently covered in sweat, the reception was over... No doubt Andrew and Marcie enjoyed the "decoration" the guys had done on their car :) (It was modern art, according to Travis.) And hence, we began the trek back to Lake Bluff... After only a couple travelling difficulties, we were successfully back on I-90 and arrived at the dog place by midnight. Three party poopers went straight to bed while Katie, Steph, Bre, Zack, Graham, and myself stayed up to enjoy each other's company as well as our sweet peach-flavored beverages! Steph went to bed around 2 maybe, then Katie around 4.... The remaining fabulous four made it till about 5. Overall - it was a great night of fun and conversation. We were all very open and honest about lots of stuff... I think we all learned a lot about each other and, I think, we were each given a lot to think about... I know that's definitely true for me. And I really know more about how to pray for these friends that are so incredibly dear to me.

After about 4 hours of sleep, (some got more, some got less), we all got out of Lake Bluff Sunday morning around 10:30. I went to Wheeling to see Zack and Bre's apartment, as well as Gideon - the new gray-striped addition to their family. He's a sweet cat. I got back to Ruth's around noon... Showered, unpacked, cleaned, wrote in my journal... Then I slept from 3-7, got up for a couple hours, then went back to bed at 10 and slept till 7 this morning.

Only a week and a half of summer work left!!! My roomie is moving back to Trinity this weekend, so I'm going to go and help her move furniture and also move some of my stuff in as well. Then I have a couple more days of babysitting until I move out of Ruth's for good! (Can't wait.) I'll move the rest of my stuff from Ruth's into the dorm, then go home for a few days, and finally bring the rest of my stuff from home and move in for real! I can't wait for the school year to begin - not because I'm looking forward to classes, but simply because I am in dire need of a change of pace and a change of scenery.

I've learned so much and have grown so much this summer... Praise God for that. He has been so faithful and so patient with me. I am really looking forward to this year... my senior year of college. (Wow...) I think it will be a huge year for all of us.

OK, kids, as always... Take care, and keep on keepin' on!

2003-08-07T08:49:00.000-05:00

O happy day! (Or, in this case, O happy yesterday! Though today holds lots of promise too...) I had such a great day yesterday, and it all started when I firmly decided that it would be. "The name of the game today is confidence." After voicing that profoundly earth-shaking statement, I proceeded to write about 3 pages in my journal praising God for who He is, for the knowledge that He made me exactly the way I am, telling Him (and myself) that today I was going to choose to make good choices about what I would eat and, later when I went to the mall, I was NOT going to fall victim to Satan's cutting lies and deception. I was going to be content and satisfied with myself the way I am.

I babysat for Hackley's all morning, then worked with Ruth for a few hours in the afternoon - So far so good! Then I headed out to Northbrook Court. Boy oh boy, it was quite an evening! After walking around for an hour and a half in search of a dress, it hit me: ding! Why am I shopping for a dress when I don't even want to wear a dress and I know I won't feel comfortable in a dress - I'm just setting myself up for further self-deprecation! Soooooo, it was decided. I would wear my black pants, and continue my shopping in search of a funky tank-top to wear over it. And, lo and behold, less than a half hour later I'd found it! AND, it fit perfectly! Add to that height-enhancing shoes and silver hoop earrings, and I'm ready to go.

The rest of the evening was far more splendid than I'd imagined... I sat in Trinity's library for almost 2 hours talking with Nathan. I swear, that guy is just awesome. The whole talk really did good for my soul, as cheesy as that may sound. He's a really good friend. A couple years ago we joked that we would get married for companionship when/if we were really old and widowed. We renewed that decision last night, making it a for-sure thing! How funny...

Anyway, in different news... I dreamt that I got married last night. Sparing the details in this venue, I told Jen about the dream this morning and she interpretted it for me. (Sidenote: The interpretation has nothing to do with marriage.) WOW. That's all I can say... Quite interesting stuff! Not to mention very exciting. God, just what do You have up Your sleeve?!?! We shall see!

I have a fun weekend coming up and I'm so excited for it... Today at 2:30 I'll be on my way home to WI... It was my mom's birthday yesterday, so I'm hoping to spend as much time with her as I can. This evening we're gonna go see Pirates of the Carribean, and then I may or may not go out to visit camp. (Haven't decided yet... it's probably gonna be a not.) And then tomorrow, I'm gonna bake my mom a cake and we're gonna do whatever we feel like doing for the day. And then Friday night, I'm going out with Joe, Nikki, Brooke, Katy B., and whoever else... Fun times :) Saturday brings a reunion with Katie and all the rest of my TIU peeps for Andrew and Marci's wedding!!! The most-anticipated wedding of the summer, I believe. (I mean, come on, they're having a magician at the reception!) And thennnn, after the wedding, Katie and I are going back to the doggie place, perhaps for some hot tub fun?! :) Good times, good friends, GREAT God, I'm happy. Later kids, keep on keepin' on!

2003-08-04T19:24:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me just say what is up with Trinity and their bright idea to once again block blogger.com? We can still view our blogs and everything, which is great. But how are we supposed to post anything new? Oye-vey... such is the reason for my not posting at all during the past week. It's not that I didn't have anything to say - believe you me, there's plenty! But, alas, now it is Monday. I had most of the week off last week, which was nice. Over the weekend I was supposed to go to my aunt and uncle's new house in Belvidere, IL with my mom, to help them get moved in, but Ruth got sick and wanted me to stay. So stay I did. I ended up going to church on Sunday with Steve, which was nice. We ate at IHOP, then chilled at his house for a bit with his huge dog, a black lab/rotweiler mix!!! I NEED to have a dog like that some day. Anyway, so yeah.

So this is what God is doing in my life... Here, I'll give you a visual - Do you know those gum commercials, is it for Eclipse gum maybe? Anyway, it's those ones where the person has mud or dirt or some other icky substance thrown at them, but when they have that gum in their mouth, they still smile and you hear that "ding!" and their mouth is still clean and fresh. Well that is sort of what God seems to be doing lately. Throwing stuff in my face and waiting to see if I'll still smile and "ding!" I've passed the test a few times, but have failed a couple too. (Of course, He is always waiting nearby to hand me a towel :) God is good like that) I asked God to grow me this summer and He sure seems to be taking that request seriously! I've learned a lot - some things learned the hard way, but whatever works! I have a thick skull, so if that's what it takes then so be it. I have about 2 1/2 weeks left, then hopefully a few days of respite at home, then it's back to good ol' TIU! (Yeah, despite the often ridiculous restrictions of the Internet folks, I love that place...) I can't wait to get back especially so I get all moved back into the dorms - I have SO missed living with my roomie!!! We totally have to make the most of every minute of our fourth and final year together! :(

Ok, well enough of that. I better go now. I'm on Ruth's webtv, and I'm not sure how easy it will be for this post to go through. We shall see... In the meantime, later kids and keep on keepin' on!

2003-07-27T09:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm on the final stretch of The Operation. It's almost 9am, so hopefully I'll be outta here in about 13 hours, not to return for one whole week! After the movie last night (which was surprisingly decent, by the way), the boys were so high-energy and so gung-ho about everything Spy Kids, that they spent most of the remainder of the evening playing outside - allowing me to spend a few preciously quiet moments in the apartment. I let them stay up a bit later than usual, in hopes that they would sleep in a bit longer this morning. No such luck - Sam was definitely up at 6:00, the earliest yet. I let him lay in bed with me for awhile, but he kept wiggling and yawning obnoxiously loud, so I told him to go watch TV. Seth got up at 7:15 and proceeded repeatedly call my name from the next room, and upon realizing I wasn't going to answer, came in and declared, "Stephanie, I'm going to camp today!" Duh. Thanks Seth. (Disclaimer: I'm really not a mean babysitter, I promise. But it was early, I was incredibly sleepy, and this is just my venue for venting and therefore being sarcastic.. plus, they know I love them.)

Anyway, today should be a good day. We're going to bake cookies, then to Lake Bluff to visit Katie at "the doggy place," then it's back here for lunch and to put Seth on the bus to Camp Grow! The rest of the afternoon/evening will be spent doing whatever Sam would like to do - perhaps go to the park? That would be nice.

OK, well besides relaying the events of my currently not-so-exciting life, I'm sorry to say that I don't have much else to report. (These past few days' posts is not stuff I would normally blog about, but since I don't have much else to do, c'est la vie. Deal with it.) I hope that this week has lots of fun to offer - I plan to fully take advantage of the time off. I'm giving Ruth minimal hours because I worked twice as much as I usually do with her last week, so she owes me a break as well.

OK, well the boys are outside playing now, so I'm gonna take some time to clean the apartment, do dishes, etc. Send me some guestbook lovin', kids :) (I need to feel connected to the outside world somehow!!!)

2003-07-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

Darlin', take me away from here... move me farther than I've ever been before... show me that there's something more Yeah, sing it Tim. I'm in dire need of some rescuing... Someone big and strong to take me away from here - farther than I've ever been before, to be exact.

Day 3 of Operation Substitute Mom is a stressful one. I basically want to throttle the boys. There's so much I could say right now, but I won't. Let's just say I definitely don't want to have kids for a long, LONG time. Boyfriend - yes, husband - eventually, kids - loooooooong ways away. I'm still too self-involved to have any desire to cater to children 24-7. I can handle days in a row of babysitting - cuz I can still go home for the night - but when we're talking 24 hours again and again... Nope, can't do it.

The rest of the day should go by quickly though. Seth's "big brother" Jayson is coming over to hang out with Seth, then we're all going to see Spy Kids 3-D Game Over. After that, it should be cake. We'll see.

Update later, I guess.

2003-07-25T08:44:00.000-05:00

My counter is at 1,999!!!! BUT, if you're reading this, that means it's gone over the 2,000 mark! Yay! How exciting. I've been blogging for 8-9 months, but I don't remember when exactly I got the counter. Either way, this is quite an occasion.

Anyway, I realized that in my last blog I didn't really give details of my much-anticipated weekend home. For the most part, it was a great visit. A few slight bumps in the road, but there were definite highlights: After the wedding (which was fabulous), I headed home and found out Mom got off work early, so we went out to dinner, then she came with me to get my eyebrow pierced! (Yup, turns out I couldn't wait 2-3 weeks, hehe) Let's see, what else? I got to hang out lots with Joe - at Brad's party, at church and out to lunch on Sunday. He's such a good lil brother, seriously. Umm.. I had good talks with Brooke and with Amanda that night at Brad's - I love those girls so much. Brooke is just such an awesome, supportive, understanding friend. And Mandy and I concluded that we were so MEANT to be friends :) What a cool girl. For the most part, despite a few hitches, Brad's party was a blast. And Sunday was GREAT, sat in church with Joe, Mom, Dad, and Alex. We all went out to lunch (minus Alex) and had some good laughs. Then I did all my laundry, which seriously needed to be done, and then I reluctantly headed back to IL! So yeah, that's that. Did I mention that I got my eyebrow pierced?! Hee hee, I'm really excited about it and very glad I finally did it.

Anyway, now that you're up to speed, onto current events. Today is day two of Operation Substitute Mom. We took Jen to the airport yesterday morning, and she will be at a women's conference in North Carolina until Sunday night. Day One went off without a hitch. The main events included taking Ruth to and from her eye doctor appt., "shopping" at Walgreen's, and eating dinner at McDonald's. I've decided my goal is to just try and keep the boys busy, to avoid all the conflicts that arise from boredom/lack of activity. I was up until almost 1am last night - watching TV, talking on the phone, taking a bath, and reading. Then, at about 7:15 this morning, I was greeted by a sweet little 6-year old face in front of me saying "Um, Hi Stephanie!" who then proceeded to climb up in bed and make himself comfortable snuggled up next to me. On the schedule today is to go, while Sam is at summer school, to Kenosha with Seth to get an emissions test on my car... Then back here for lunch and a supposed visit from Mr. Downs. After that, we shall see!

OK, gotta go - Until next time!

2003-07-23T15:21:00.000-05:00

I never cease to be amazed when I step outside myself and observe the self-induced, rollercoaster-like soap opera that my life has become... Seriously, folks, it's ridiculous. I don't know how/why I do this to myself - and, actually, I don't even know how much of it is under my control! I know that the choices I make are my decisions, obviously. But what about the stuff deep down that motivates me to make those particular choices? Can I do anything about that? I don't think so. All I can say is grrr.

I'd love to give an example, particularly one I'm currently experiencing... Just to share my heart and my life with you guys a bit. But I think I'd better refrain. It's that whole make-yourself-vulnerable-and-expose-your-humanness idea that I'd like to avoid. Ambiguity is much safer in this venue. Ha... ambiguity. It's either your enemy or your friend. In this instance it's my friend - making the blog life a bit easier. But when applied to my life (as it has been for the past few weeks/months/years!), it is an evil, despicable foe.

What, might you ask, is so ambiguous in my life? Oh, pretty much everything. I'm sure of the basic things - my family, my friends, my place at TIU, the future of my career, my desires for marriage and children, etc. BUT, what about the details? Such as, how will I spend my summer after graduation? Go home and work at camp? Only if I can be assistant director under Nikki. If not that, then what? Or will I stay around the Chicago area? Where? With who? Doing what?... What will I do in the fall? Teach? Here or in WI? Or maybe go to grad school right away? If so, where?... And, of course, last but not least, there's the ever present question of WHO... The incredibly evasive Mr. Right. Boy oh boy, he best be getting his act together, cuz I'm sick of this crap. The game of it all - dating, putting your heart out there, having it handed back to you, often bruised and inevitably with pieces missing. Or the reverse, which sucks just as much - handing the other person's heart back to him and, no matter how nice you tried to be about it, watching him look at you as if you've not only torn it to shreds but spit on it as well. It's all just such a wicked waste of time. Well, no, not a waste. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But still, doesn't change the fact that it sucks.

Aaaaaaaanyway, I know what you're thinking... Probably something along the lines of, "Whatever, Steph. This is what everyone your/our age goes through..." Blah blah blah. And you're fairly accurate with that statement. But remember, I was ambiguous. You don't know all the details, my friend.

Anyway, that's not a pity party of any sort - just venting. :) That's what this blog is for. And you know, as much as I might vent and complain with sarcastic laughs and despondent sighs... I know that, ultimately, God is in control. He knows exactly what He's doing and He's got plans for me. Like my blog subtitle says, Many are the plan's in a man's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails. Thank You, Lord, for that! I can't even imagine the mess I'd make if my life were in MY hands!!!

2003-07-17T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's been quite an interesting week... I spent the first half of it feeling pretty depressed, which is unusual for me. I mean, yeah, we all have our bad days, but I was particularly down for several consecutive days and normally I'm a very positive, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger", "make the best of every situation" type of person. But I just couldn't get myself out of this funk. I blamed on it loneliness - desperately missing the fellowship/community with my family AND my camp friends. So, at the peak of this depressive state, I was talking to Ruth and she suggested that I go home for an overnight, just to get a "quick fix." It was like, ding! A light bulb flashed over my head. Great idea! (It was one of those "Duh!!!" moments...)

So here are the plans: After Ben and Becky's wedding on Saturday, (which is an early one - 11am - bonus!) I'm gonna go straight home to meet up with Joe so we can head out to Milwaukee to Brad's house for the staff get-together that night. That will definitely do the job of giving me my friends fix. (Though, hopefully everyone won't be all partied out, since they will have had Brooke's party the night before. If anything, I know Joe, Jamie, and Nikki won't let me down! They're faithful socialites!) After that, I'll spend the night at home (ahhh, my bed) and go to church with Dad (Mom has to work :( boo) and then hopefully out to lunch with he and Alex on Sunday. Maybe I can even convince Alex to go to church with us!!! So, even though I won't get to see Mom, Sunday will probably serve well to provide me with my family fix. Aw, and I get to see the "love of my life", my puppy Spike. Even though he's 11, he'll always be a puppy to me.

Anyway, so yeah - ever since I made that decision to go home for a night, my mood has TOTALLY lifted, which makes it incredibly obvious that I've just been really homesick. It will be a great weekend... And then, in another two weeks, I'm going home again for another overnight. This time it's Thursday-Friday. I'll spend Thursday night out at camp, visiting everyone at the overnight; and then I'll spend all day Friday with the fam (and Mom WILL be home this time - cuz it's her birthday weekend! I'm gonna bake her a cake, cuz no one ever does) *sigh* I'm so happy right now. That's all I can say!

P.S. - Countdown till the piercing: 3 weeks and one day

2003-07-14T09:13:00.000-05:00

Monday again... Just gotta love (or despise) Mondays... Summer Mondays are easier than school year Mondays though. It was still supremely difficult dragging myself out of bed at 7:00 this morning, but I did it and now I'm here (at the Hackley's, of course). This will be a long week with lots of working, but hey - it's off to a good start cuz I'm going out with Steve tonight.

But hey, let's back up a bit. I had a fun weekend - Adam and Ann's wedding was lots of fun. The ceremony was beautiful, very moving (goosebumps abound)... And once the reception finally got going, we had a lot of laughs - especially Graham and me.

Picture this - we're standing in line for dinner at the reception...Katie, me, then Graham. There's a lady serving the chicken and then handing us our plates. The chicken looks really good and I'm excited. (You know how I feel about chicken!) So, the lady puts a big piece on Katie's plate and I'm thinking "Oh yeah..." She turns, hands me my plate, and I think my jaw actually dropped. On my plate was this tiny, miniscule little piece of chicken about a third of the size that Katie got. I looked at it, then at Katie's piece, then at the lady, then up at Graham. In all seriousness, I said to him, "What the crap is this?" Graham started absolutely cracking up, so much so that he was doubling over and had to step out of line... Well, of course, when he laughs it makes me laugh too - so we're practically crying, trying to control ourselves. And the whole thing was still hilarious when we got the rest of the way through the food line and back to our seats. It was one of those situations that he was watching happen and my reaction was exactly what he expected. Why it was still THAT funny, I'm not quite sure, but Graham's laugh is absolutely contagious - so even if the rest of the night would've sucked, at least we had a fantastic time laughing harder than we have in a long time. The rest of the night didn't suck though - cuz we had fun dancing and talking and taking pictures, etc etc etc. Brandon caught the garter and Stephanie caught the bouquet (aw, how sweet! *gag* j/k)

When we all said our goodbyes and left, we headed back to the hotel to change. We went down to the pool and a few people swam, but that didn't last long cuz the water was so cold. Then we all walked over to Benigan's for food and drinks. (I'd recommend the Benigan's Bellini - wow, awesome drink. Can't taste the alcohol but you can still feel it's effects.) After that, we said goodbyes again to those who were leaving, and then there were six - me, Katie, Steph, Brandon, Elise, and Josh. It was bedtime and after random silliness in the dark (Elise farting, and Josh and Brandon yelling out "poppycock" and laughing), we all finally fell asleep.

Drove home Sunday morning (Katie and I had quite an encounter with an annoying car full of scrubby boys) and I basically rested all day in preparation for an early bedtime and a looooong week. I'm at the Hackley's until noon today, then working with Ruth till 5ish, then going out with Steve to do who knows what. That'll be his call. We shall see!

Oooooh, sidenote for anyone interested... I've been playing with the idea of getting my eyebrow pierced for the last 6-7 months, and I finally decided I'm just gonna do it. So, when I go home during the first weekend in August, my mom and I are going to Gothic Body in Mukwonago to get it done :) I know that back in December, I had asked for everyone's opinions on whether or not I should do it. But now, I say, if you don't think I should, I don't wanna hear it! Because I don't really care :) If it looks bad and I don't like it, then oh well! I at least have to try. (If you're all for it, feel free to let me know! Encouragement is always nice)

Bye kids :) Until next time...

2003-07-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

2003-07-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

This is a great big THANK YOU to Avital for her influence, without which I may not have purchased Jason Mraz's album Waiting For My Rocket To Come...
This CD rocks beyond belief and I strongly suggest that you all head to your nearest Target, Wal-mart, Best Buy, whatever - and pick up a copy. If you're sick of hearing "The Remedy" on the radio (which you shouldn't be, cuz it's still a great song - just listen to the words closer than you did the last time), then get the CD because you can get something new out of each song each time you hear 'em. My current favorite, in case you're interested is the eighth track, "Absolutely Zero"

Check out his site if you need some extra incentive. Trust me, kids - this CD is a must have.

2003-07-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

Ugh... my heart hurts... but it hurts in the most wonderful way. Hotmail informed me that I was currently using 62% of the storage space in my account, so I figured I'd better do some cleaning. Well, as I got to the "CPW peeps" folder, I was reading email by email, since I often couldn't tell what the letter contained judging simply by the title. That's where the pain started to settle in... I honestly felt an ache in my chest as I read the beautiful words of so many great friends... We have this unique connection, this desire to "stay together"... Then again, when you work at a camp like that, the connection is made automatically through the shared experiences... experiences that you won't find while working at a restaurant or department store. These connections are burned into your heart. Yeah... these are certainly friends that I will have forever. Screw my friends from high school - with the exception of three or four, they are all forgotten, as I am by them. When it comes to "friends from home," it is the people I worked with at camp who will stay in my life forever, even if in a small measure. Emails from Brooke, Nikki, Mel, Amanda, Patrick - they all added to the ache. And Mara and Joe - you two belong to both categories: camp friends + that small minority of treasured high school friends.

I don't know, guys... This summer - specifically being away from camp - has been really difficult for me... So the idea of going back to camp next summer sounds pretty darn appealing. Of course, it depends on how many of you are returning also... not to mention, above all else, what other plans God might have for me. I know He definitely wanted me in IL this summer, so we'll see. If not camp next summer, then at least Wisconsin. I need to be closer to those of you in Mukwonago, Germantown, Sussex, Waukesha, etc!

Ok, enough babbling... Just know that I love you guys so much, and thanks again for making this past weekend one of the best I've had in a long long time...

2003-07-06T17:41:00.000-05:00

God is good.

(Now you say: "How good is he?")

He is so good, that not only does He always answer prayers, but He even answers desires that weren't formally posed in the form of a question.

Last night I posted that the one downfall of this weekend was that I had to go home what would have been today... BUT, Ruth called me this evening and said they've been having lots of bad, stormy weather down there - hailstorms, tornado warnings, the works. So, to be on the safe side, she doesn't want me to drive back down there tonight. Yay! An extra night to spend with the fam!!! So I rented a movie to watch with the folks and my mom is gonna teach me to crochet :) Now, I'm not saying God sent all this bad (and potentially dangerous and damaging) weather just so that I could stay here another night... But still - do you see how there's always something good that can come out of something bad?

Thanks God :)

2003-07-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

Right now Dishwalla's song "Home" is playing through my head... Come and take me hoooooooome... I want to stay at home; don't want to go back to IL tomorrow. I have had the most wonderful weekend.. All plans went off without a hitch, and I've had absolutely incredible times with my friends and awesome family time as well. These few days that I've been anticipating for so long have fully met and exceeded my expectations. Let's go through the weekend's highlights...

Thursday: all plans to head home went smoothly; a sweet, sweet reunion with friends that I LOVE; the hot and sweaty ride to Milwaukee on the big yellow school bus; knowing that everyone else is as sweaty and icky as you are so it doesn't matter; the overall Summerfest atmosphere: tons of people, loud music, beer everywhere - excellent environment for people watching; O.A.R.; laughing at Bettina talking about an almost-fight at a Michelle Branch show; the air-conditioned coach bus on the ride home; the awesome feeling of walking into my house after a long absence; sleeping in my own bed...

Friday-Saturday: sleeping in; being lazy all day; having a "family dinner" with the WHOLE fam; driving out to G-town (such memories all along that route); getting to hang out with four of my favorite people for a second night in a row (ie: Joe, Brooke, Nikki, and Jamie); watching Jamie's cat Salvador get himself out of his harness; G-town fireworks (definitely rivalling Summerfest's "Big Bang"); dancing with sparklers; reunion with Mara!; spending a beautiful, clear summer night (approx. 10pm til 3am) on the Hammer's back porch; a bunch of 20+ year olds being really excited about having a "sleepover" (though actual sleep was at a minimum); good talks with great friends; confidence being built by knowing that you are loved by these people just as you are, and not feeling like you have to meet any certain expectations for them; laughing at the discovery of Joe and Brooke's spy work; quality time with my brother; long nap on the comfy basement couch; text-message conversations...

I'd say there is only one lowpoint of the weekend - and that is that I have to leave tomorrow. I have so much emotion packed in me right now, I just want to burst at my love for you people!
Joe, Jamie, Brooke, Nikki - thanks for making it an awesome weekend for me. I miss you guys more than you could imagine and hey, if you ever feel like takin' a little roadie down to visit me, PLEASE DO! Gosh, I would just love that.
Mara - same goes for you, it was so great to see you again! I'm looking forward to fun times ahead of us.
And to my family - it was so great to be back in this house, I've missed it immensely.

*Sigh* oye-vey! OK, obviously I'm very tired... hopefully I'll be less melancholy tomorrow! :op Goodnight kids - love you and keep on keepin' on!

2003-07-01T18:46:00.000-05:00

Hi kids.

First of all, Happy 21st birthday, Jamison! (Not that he reads this, but still...) I hope it was a fantastic one... I still remember his 18th birthday, I believe we were at Summerfest for the Harper concert, back when it was on a free stage... Wow, that seems SO long ago. Good memories. *nostalgic sigh* LoL, I'm a dork.

Anyway, onto new business. Not much to report, I suppose. I worked over almost 60 hours last week, so I'm keeping busy that way, which is good cuz it makes time go by faster. I want the next two days to fly by as well, because on Thursday evening, I get to go home for the WHOLE weekend! (Needless to say, once I get home, I want time to crawl so I can savor every minute.) I'm leaving here around 4:30pm (at the latest, if all goes well) and heading straight up to Brookfield, WI to Goerke's Corners and meeting Joe, Jamie, Nikki, and Brooke to get on the shuttle to Summerfest to see O.A.R.!!! I'm SO pumped, I can't even tell you... Besides the fact that we get to see the O.A.R. show (which is awesome in and of itself), there will also be a bunch of my CPW peeps there, old and new. Yes, it should prove to be a fantastic evening indeed. As far as the rest of the weekend, it's up in the air... Joe, Jamie, me, and hopefully Mara are going to go somewhere for fireworks on the 4th, not sure where yet, but regardless the company will be stellar. (I can't wait to see you, Mah-rah! It's been TOO long - almost a year!)

Aaaaaaanyway, you can see what has been consuming my thoughts lately - HOME and all that comes with it. Besides that, though, let's see... I went out to dinner with Bre last night, which was awesome! We had such a great time chatting about everything and catching up on the last month of each other's lives. I can't believe she and Zack have been married for over a month now! For the most part, it sounds like things are going wonderfully for them and I'm so glad. Of all the couples in the 104 Family, I was always most comfortable with, and most enjoyed hanging out with, those two.

As for the rest of my social interactions... This past weekend, I went to dinner and a movie with Katie... We saw "Alex & Emma"... It wasn't a stellar, Oscar-quality movie, obviously, but the overall storyline was very sweet. I haven't been able to get together with Kristy and Dave yet, cuz Kristy seems to be as busy as I am! I see Dave several times a week, though, when I go check my mail at the Lew. Steve and I haven't had a second "date" yet - thanks to another equally busy schedule! So, who knows what'll happen with that. It's not in my hands, so I'm just waiting with one eye open and keeping myself busy in the meantime... Ummm... I think that's about all I have to report at this point.

I should probably go and be a good babysitter or somethin' :) Take care, and send me some guestbook lovin'!

2003-07-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

OK, so I'm Dory... The description isn't too far off, I suppose... Although, the profile for Bruce is pretty freakin' accurate as well, so let's say it was a tie.

2003-06-23T08:57:00.000-05:00

I felt it appropriate to change my blog title and, in turn, my subtitle as well... I'm no longer in the whole independent, who-needs-you, love-me-or-leave-me, doing my own thing stage... These days, with the amount of time I spend working compared to the amount of time spent either on my own or with friends, I've found that I spend a lot of time in imagination land! Since a more pleasurable reality is often absent due to hours upon hours (upon hours!) spent with children under the age of 10, I tend to revert to preferred situations in my little imagination land. (Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE the kids I babysit for, especially my boys... But come on, you can understand, right?! Sometimes you just need to get away and be with your PEERS. Well the peer interaction has been lacking a bit lately.) So, the new title is representative of the fantasy world that I tend to dive into every now and then... And the subtitle is one of my favorite verses ever that is SO true to my life (and really to all of us) Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. That's why I've given up trying to plan (to an extent), I just pretend instead :)

But aaaaaaaanyway, on the upside, (and there's always an upside) I am going home in 10 days... Can't wait!!!! I've planned it to be a purely social visit. (Which works out well, because my parents will be busy anyway) I'm going home July 3rd and pretty much heading straight to Summerfest with Joe to see O.A.R., a concert that is going to be SO fun I can hardly stand it! And then there's the added bonus of meeting up with CPW peeps, old and new - Jamie, Brooke, Amanda, Melissa... Yes, good times will be had by all. And then I think Joe and I are going to go out to Summerfest again on the 4th - if not there, then SOMEWHERE that has fireworks. On the 5th, plans are up in the air, but whatever we do, I'm going to have to demand that it be fun :) Did I mention I'm excited?! Cuz yeah, I AM!

Next order of business, CONGRATULATIONS to Joe on landing a new girlfriend! I'm certain she's not good enough for you, Chico, but then again, could anyone ever be? Probably not. Best of luck to ya :)

OK, well that about settles it... I'm working somewhere between 50-60 hours this week, but you know I'll probably still find time to check email and chat on IM, so hey, drop me a line :) And always, ALWAYS, call anytime! :) Bye kids

2003-06-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

Blue Raspberry Slurpee!

What Flavor Slurpee Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

It's 2:30pm and I'm at the halfway point of my 13-hour babysitting shift today. It's kinda fun playing mom to my boys... It's good practice for a month from now when Jen goes to a conference in North Carolina for 3 days and they're ALL mine for 72 hours :) Aaaaaaanyway, so far it's been easy since the boys have been outside nearly all day because the weather is gorgeous (and I'm not letting them watch TV!!!)

The past week has been fairly decent. I brought my mom's cold virus back to IL with me, which sucked... It kept me pretty much confined to my room all day Sunday with a scratchy throat, intensely sore and achy muscles, and an overall fuzzy/dizzy feeling in my head. Monday and Tuesday were good days for recovery since the only work I had was with Ruth (which included sitting in the waiting rooms at her doctors' appointments and walking with her through the Botanic Gardens) Wednesday was the final recovery day, during which I dropped 180 bucks for two new tires on my car (fun fun) but was also blessed by an hour-long phone with an old friend by the name of Jamison Hammer. It made my day. Jamie is awesome and it was so fun to catch up with someone who, in his words, is "old and familiar" :) He's gonna rock film school this year, and I can't wait to see it all unfold!

Ooooh, also, a momentous event... Due to yesterday's 80+ degree weather, I finally broke down and bought a pair of shorts at Target. I was holding out for who-knows-why, mere obstinance perhaps, but I finally admitted that it was time. So, today I'm breaking them in and taking deep breaths every time I walk past a mirror. *laughs and rolls eyes* I'm such a dork, one of these days I'll get it together!

Anyway, I also "reunited" with Mara over IM today... I miss her lots... Plus I had to bid Scootie goodbye as he leaves for PA tomorrow for camp. So, with all of these long-distance talks with friends, it really made me contemplate my life in comparison to the things my "nearest and dearest" are going through. We all have a full plate in front of us... I'm so thankful that I'm finally at a place where I can laugh at the things that distress me (such as looking fat in a pair of shorts) and be grateful that I don't have any REAL problems/issues to deal with. God is good, and as much as I don't feel like He's speaking to me, He definitely is. :)

OK, well I hear a sweet little 6-year old crying, so I better go see what's up.... bye kids!

2003-06-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Ah, home sweet home... It is sweet indeed.

I'm back in WI on one of my two visits home this summer... It's been good. It's great hanging out with my family. And my dog :) I love them all more than I could ever express. I went out to camp last night to visit everyone at adult residential... *insert a deep, heavy-hearted sigh* A huge part of me wishes I was working at camp again. It would've been my fourth summer. Not only do I love the campers, but some of the staff are just awesome. (Joe, Amanda, Patrick, Melissa, Nikki, Katy B - I love you guys!) I left camp feeling pretty bummed, but you know what? I later went to bed feeling really good about it after all. I was writing in my journal (as always) and I came to the conclusion that, on multiple levels, it really is better for me to be in IL this summer. God is doing some great things in me, AND through me, and I know it's where He wants me to be. I think spending another summer in WI would be like all the others - yes, the joy of camp and some great friends, but also accompanied by minimal growth and unwanted backsliding. In IL, I also have great friends. It is a fantastic blessing to be able to hang out with Stephanie and Katie as much as I do, especially since Katie is moving to Arizona in less than 2 months. I have loved spending more time with Jen - her friendship blesses me daily and I love that I am able to be a support to her in multiple ways. And the boys - needless to say I love babysitting for them and being like their big sister! And, of course, another perk of living in IL is that I get to hang out with Steve, which is obviously great!!! (For all who were wondering about the mystery man, that's him :) Oh, and PS - the first date was awesome. I'm not gonna post the details just yet, so if you wanna know about it, sign the guestbook or email me!) All of that paired with living at Ruth's and the encouragement I can be to her... yeah, God's got it all figured out and thankfully He continues to make that clear to me.

Well, it's time to get moving... I have to stop at the grocery store for Mom, get my oil changed ($5 coupon, yay!!!), wash my car, and vacuum it out (thanks to Sam for leaving cracker crumbs all over the back seat and floor!)

And hey, another PS - I'd like to know who still reads this beast... So be a pal and sign the guestbook, thanks!

2003-06-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

:) Tomorrow night is the big date! :)

STEPHANIE = EXCITED

2003-06-03T19:58:00.000-05:00

Hi kids, just checkin' in again...

Sadly enough, not much has changed since I posted last... I've been a bit more social, which is great! First there was Zack and Bre's wedding on the 24th, which was SO fun! And then I hung out with Katie a few times, including laughing our heads off at Bruce Almighty and having a sleepover at her dad's house in St. Charles. Fun times!... I also got to hang out with fellow junior-blocker Allison! Cheesecake Factory and Finding Nemo... fun and fun. :) Besides that, there's been lots of babysitting and working with Ruth. My mom came down to visit for a few hours today, lunch and a little shopping. It was SO wonderful to spend time with her. And Joey-bear is coming down on Friday, which is great! All that's left is to get over to Schaumberg to check out Mikey's new place AND to Algonquin to swim in Kristy's pool (as soon as it warms up a bit!) Oh, and there's a new prospect on the horizon... It's been in the works for awhile, but it wasn't necessary to say anything because there wasn't really anything concrete to say. After losing my phone number (silly boy) he now has it again, so hopefully I'll hear from him soon. I'll be sure to let you know :)

God has been doing some pretty cool stuff in my life, which is exciting. He's got me right where He wants me and is teaching me some pretty heavy stuff... I welcome the challenge. Anything to get myself into the mold of the woman He wants me to be. I know He'll continue to carry me through each day, taking care of all of my needs. (If you wanna know more, let's get together and hang out!)

I'm going home in 9 days (for three days), I can't wait!!! I plan to pack a lot into those 3 days... Saying 'bon voyage' to my dad as he leaves for a missions trip to Istanbul, visiting people at camp (adult residential! ah memories), sleeping in for a day, hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa, quality time with Mom, and hopefully hanging out with my brother a bit. It will be good times. Did I mention I can't wait???

Random note: I found a great Father's Day card today... On the front is a black and white picture of a little baby's hand holding onto the thumb of a large adult's hand. On the inside it says, "I'll never let go, Dad! Happy Father's Day" :) Isn't that so perfect?! (If you know how I feel about my dad, then you'll understand!) :)

Well, that's about all for now... Time to get the boys ready for bed. Sign the guestbook to say hi... and hey, call me! I'd love to hear from YOU!!!!!!

2003-05-20T20:12:00.000-05:00

Hello?
Is anyone there?
Does anyone still check this thing for updates?
It's definitely been awhile! I don't even know where to begin... As you know, I'm computer-less and therefore internet-less, over at Ruth's place... which is, I suppose, also my place for the next 4 months. So blogging isn't much of a priority. Actually, I have no desire to do it even now, but figured I at least owe you an explanation. When I do get to the internet, I usually just want to do the whole email thing. But here's a brief (or maybe it won't be so brief, we shall see) update for ya'll...

Life has been good. I've been living with Ruth for almost 2 weeks now, which has been great on so many levels. She is incredibly sweet, not to mention an absolute riot. We have a good time together and I love sitting and talking with her. (Actually, she does most of the talking, I listen. But that's great too. She has a lot to say with a lot of awesome stuff for me to glean from.) Living there has forced me to stretch in a lot of ways as well. Though it's not always what I'd prefer, I know that it's meant to be and I'm growing into the person I want to be. I'm glad for the chance to change and grow.

Besides that, I'm also in my second week of May term. Earth Science is a breeze - we don't have tests, just homework and labs (and that's all basically "groupwork"), so we really have to retain anything, which is great! And even better - it's a blast being lab partners with Caleb. We've had some laughs taking scientific terminology and breaking into song... "Midnight at the Oasis!" Anyway, besides class every day, the rest of my time is spent either babysitting (Hackley's and Lefkovitz's) or putting in my "hours" with Ruth - which consists of driving her to appointments, taking her shopping, or helping her organize the huge amounts of "stuff" she has accumulated over the years.

So, besides class and working, free time is somewhat scarce. I have been doing little things that I never had time for (or made time for) during the year, which has been wonderful - such as journaling (iIm obsessed... I write EVERYTHING in there, I love it!), reading (currently, The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, which is fantastic!), going for walks, and just sitting by the pond (I have my own little favorite spot at the top of the stairs). So yeah, social activities are somewhat lacking so far. But, it will be better once Mayterm is over... Cuz then I don't need to worry about getting to bed early and whatnot...

Speaking of being social, I definitely miss my friends!!!!! I need to give some shout-outs... To my WI peeps - Joey bear, can't wait to see you soon!; Sarallin, I miss you so much sista!; Mikey - you're no longer a WI peep, now you're an IL man!; and to all my CPW crew - I can't wait to come home and visit you guys! I want to come out and volunteer at camp for a couple days, and especially make a visit during adult residential to bring you some goodies! We'll see what happens. Make sure Donna doesn't forget about Stenafee!!! And to all my TIU peeps - I miss my roomie and Katie... can't wait to see you girls. We have to have our modeling session sometime soon. And we have to have our annual sleepover with Jonathan, Luke, and hopefully Joe. Vis - you know I miss you too, man. I also miss my fellow junior blockers, especially Kristy, Heidi, and Dave! I need to see you guys again soon, and Kristy - I think perhaps we should at least consider a trip to Boston - the trio needs to be reunited.

Hehe, in case it wasn't blatantly obvious just now, I'm really in need of social interaction... As I said, hopefully that will pick up soon. OK, well I'm going now. This has been way too long... But who knows, it'll probably be another two weeks before I post again anyway.

Know that I love you all so much... With this extra time on my hands, I've had much more time to think of you all and how much you mean to me. If you have any prayer requests, please let me know. Even though I'm far away from lots of you, I'd still love to do my part to help ya out :) Take care and keep on keepin' on!

2003-05-08T15:27:00.000-05:00

We're clearing out our room today cuz my roomie has to check out at like 9:45am tomorrow morning... That means we have to put the furniture back where it was in the beginning of the year which means that I have to dismantle the computer :( Soooo, since I'll be computer-less this summer, this could be my last blog for awhile. I don't really think that posting will be a very high priority since the only internet access I'll have will be at Hackley's (or the TIU library). But we shall see... So yeah...

It's been an absolutely fantastic year and a really great finals week... Thanks to everyone who played a part in making this a wonderfully memorable year for me. If you don't think you are one of those people, you actually probably are. So consider yourself loved by me. I'm looking forward to this summer and all it has to offer... Please keep in touch!!! :) Until next time, keep on keepin' on, and as Ruth would say "Peace to the world!"

2003-05-06T01:19:00.000-05:00

Today was pretty much an A+ day... Highlights: waking up smiling, finishing my math lesson plans, fun little encounter in the library, rejoicing with Katie in her giddiness, being reminded of how AWESOME my roommate is and how I'd be an absolute basketcase if it weren't for her, running for longer than I ever have at CPAC, having fun in the mac lab on IM with Kristy and Heidi, going on a sneaky mission with my roomie, a fantastic little interaction in Melton and another at Midnight Melton... yeahhhhhhhh, all good things. :) I hope to do all I can to make the most of this week.... As much as I'm looking forward to summer, I'm really going to miss a lot of things about this semester... It's been wonderful. Praise God :) He's so good to me, His grace is overwhelming.

* * * CONGRATULATIONS TO KATIE AND TRAVIS!!! * * *

2003-05-03T23:49:00.000-05:00

This weekend was what I'd like to call The Weekend of Kristy and Heidi. The three of us hung out a lot yesterday AND today... for the most part doing a lot of nothing but somehow having lots of fun in the process! Tonight's highlight was the huge bump we went over on the way back from TGIFriday's where it all seemed to happen in slow motion and our lives flashed before our eyes. Our attempts at adventure through Owens was pretty funny too... So what if we can't afford a $3 cover charge to a TIU-au... We can still drive past and dream, right?! Yeahhhhh...Oh well. Good times. I love those girls... To quote Heidi, they're a bit of alright if you ask me :)

Tomorrow I will be babysitting my boys all day, 9-4, then it's off to my roomie's GREEK party!!! Can't wait :) Good times, good food, good friends. What more could you ask for?!

2003-04-30T19:38:00.000-05:00

Hooray for Summerfest! I can't wait!!! July 2nd: Ben Folds and July 3rd: O.A.R.... Definitely gonna make sure I go home for those :)

2003-04-28T16:57:00.000-05:00

Life's simple pleasures... that's what it's all about.
I was sitting in class today... daydreaming, replaying an earlier scene in my mind, with one of those "ear-to-ear" grins plastered to my face... It's so funny-- the littlest things can just make my whole day... I don't care that I'm 21 years old, sometimes I just can't helping acting/feeling like I'm 12!!! A silly, giggling 12-year old... I love it

2003-04-27T00:41:00.000-05:00

I met with Ruth today! She greeted me at the elevators with a big smile and a kiss on the cheek! I was at her place for just over an hour, but I think that I got the job during the first 5 minutes. We hit it off great and I think it will be a really good arrangement. I am so excited for all that this summer has to offer: living with Ruth and helping her out... being able to continue working with the Hackley's, my "family away from home"... free housing = saving money = I can afford a membership to CPAC = I won't get fat!... having good friends around, ie: Steph, Allison, Kristy, Dave, and more...going to four weddings which will all be 104 family reunions!... taking Earth Science for May term in order to replace a semester of chemistry!... taking American Govt. as an online course in order to avoid the sheer torture of taking it here... All good stuff.. and no doubt there's more that I don't even know about yet!

I had a great time babysitting today... 3:30-midnight, but it just flew by!... Sam is on some new meds which REALLY help to control his hyperactivity and Seth just behaved fabulously - not putting up a fit at all when I told him it was time to get off the computer or put away the Gameboy. When we got back from Evanston, I helped Sam send out a little birthday serenade via voicemail. :) The sound of a six-year-old singing "Happy Birthday"...few things are sweeter! And then, awhile later, I got a phone call which caused me to spend the rest of the evening with a huge grin on my face. (Yes, I'm a dork.) So anyway... good stuff. It was a good day :)

*sigh* Thank You, Lord, for taking care of me beyond my basic needs!... His blessings are so abundant, they're everywhere.. to be found in any and all situations that I find myself in, no matter the circumstance. I can always find a reason to praise Him.

2003-04-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

Just a couple updates...

I'm 99.9% sure I've got a place to live this summer - FOR FREE! An old widow named Ruth who lives in a 2bedroom/2bathroom condo in Highland Park needs someone to drive her around (in her car) to her appointments, help her grocery shop, clean her place, etc. And she was offering free room and board. So, yesterday I called her and we hit it off quite nicely. She asked me to come over for a final interview on Saturday afternoon. (She has an interview with another girl the following Tuesday...) After a conversation with and "excellent reference" from Jen Hackley, Ruth was very impressed and "so moved" by some of the things Jen said...so it sounds like I've won her over :) And another bonus is that Ruth was very insistent to Jen that she didn't want to get in the way of my prior babysitting commitments, so that's great! She seems like a really sweet woman and I hope that it all works out, because it would be a HUGE answer to prayer -- especially seeing as my main problem with living away from home this summer would've been the money issue. So, of course, I'll let ya know how it goes :) But either way, Praise God, cuz I know He's taking care of me.

Another update... Today was my last day (and we had a half day) with my 1st graders at Hawthorn. They made me a huge card with photos of them on the front and then all of their names and little notes on the inside, plus a class picture and a message saying "Good luck, Miss Moss! We will miss you!" Wow, I almost cried... They are SO sweet.... A few of them just couldn't stop hanging on me all morning, so sad that it was my last day :) AND, I got my confirmation letter for my student teaching placement. Next spring I'll be teaching in a kindergarten classroom with Ms. Rebecca Clay at Laura B. Sprague School. :) Can't wait!

OK, that's about all I've got for now... The semester is ending quickly and I've got LOTS to get done!!! Thank You Lord that the stress isn't overwhelming me!!!!

2003-04-19T13:53:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday...For those of you who care, sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I just haven't had much to say. Nothing incredibly important or deserving of a public forum anyway! There's lots going on in life right now and I feel like I'm walking in a race where most of the people around me are jogging or even running full speed. I don't feel the need to rush. I'm just strolling. It's nice this way. Quite a few things coming up to look forward to: hanging out with Joe tonight, getting to meet Craig's wife for the first time, the last two days of observation at Hawthorn, Jen's party, the junior block "lock-in", Marci's shower, the 104 luau, Bre's "shower", Steph's Greek party, and finally the last week of the semester... Good times. I'm excited to see what God has yet to reveal to me this year... I know there's something coming, I just have no clue what it could be. Obviously I have some ideas and definitely some hopes, but we shall see! As always, I'll keep you updated :) Hugs to you all

2003-04-14T23:12:00.000-05:00

So many ups and downs flying through my head right now... If someone were to ask me, "What was your high and low for the day?" I'd have about 50 different things for each of them.

Let's list a few of them, shall we?...

High: the beautiful weather we had today!
Low: not being productive while I was skipping class
High: not feeling guilty about skipping class
Low: being stuck in class while it's so nice out
High: lots of laughing with my fellow "junior block-heads"
Low: worrying about what I'm gonna do for this summer
High: giggling about "people that make me smile" (hehe, right Nancy and Kristy?!)
Low: uncertainty in friendships (in more ways than one)
High: the knowledge that I've got my Lord to walk me through it all!!! He'll carry me through the fire and all parties involved will come out on the other end better than before :)

Goodnight kids... enjoy the short week! Hugs to you all

2003-04-13T12:59:00.000-05:00

OK, lots to fill you in on...

First things first... Wow, all of Friday was just so much fun! Waking up and NOT showering before chapel (hahaha!)... Art class (with lots of laughing, as usual, and everyone singing "Wonderful King" as we worked on our centers)... Getting ready for Junior-Senior in the suite with all the girls (doing each other's make-up, borrowing each other's clothes and accessories, ironing people's hair!... oh wait, that was just MY hair!!! haha) And then, of course, the banquet itself. Travis was a most excellent and chivalrous date, looking exceptionally dashing (love the belt!!!) and being a fantastic dance partner! Thank you, Travis, for being a key player in making the night so wonderful for me! Our friendship has come so far, what a blessing. The Grand Ballroom at Navy Pier was absolutely beautiful - almost as fabulous as the people who filled it! Everyone looked great, and I think I can speak for everyone else when I say that we felt pretty "high society," being served our food (mmmm, tiramisu!) and having the waiters call us "sir" and "dear lady"... And of course, the ballroom dancing... Very fun indeed! Overall, it was definitely a night that will not soon be forgotten.

Next on the list... Saturday. I got up at 5:45am, yup 4 hours of sleep, to drive to Whitewater, WI to proctor an exam for a man from my home church. It was strange to hear students calling him "Dr. Gruber", when to me he's always just been "Bob"... So, I sat there for 3 hours -- reading my Bible, writing in my journal, and playing Solitaire on the computer -- and made an easy $35. Then I went home for a bit, until my mom and I left (along with her best friend Natalie) to go to Milwaukee to see "Rent" at the Riverside Theatre. I'd never seen it before and didn't really know much about it except for it's famous song "Seasons of Love" and that a few friends of mine (Nikki and Jamie!) really enjoy it. I loved it!!! It was a bit "naughty," so to speak... for those of you who don't know, it's a musical about a "family" of friends living in New York City. Most (if not all) of them have AIDS and they deal with different problems and issues in their lives.. the biggest of those being the knowledge that they are dying of this disease and the question of how they should be living until their death. The actors/actresses were so incredibly talented--the music was already awesome and they just enhanced it. I was proud of my mom and Natalie for having an open mind and appreciating the good parts about it.

It's interesting to compare the way I, as a Christian, view this play versus how their generation of Christians tend to view it... My mom was immediately ready to say "Oh! This was so inappropriate! And I can't believe they did this! That just was totally unnecessary..." And I can understand that. She was very correct in her thinking. However, as I presented my line of thinking, she admitted that it was correct also, and that she hadn't been looking at it from that plane. My initial summary of the play as a whole was to say, "Wow, the songs and music are great! Very catchy! The actors have such awesome voices and they're very obviously having a great time using their talents!" (Which, of course, she agreed with.) My second reaction, upon acknowledging the very questionable themes of the show, was to look at it as an opportunity to become more aware of the thoughts, feelings, and lifestyles of people in these situations.. and the opportunity to grow and develop my compassion and understanding for people in these circles. And moreover, it's not completely necessary to condemn this play to others... I wouldn't do so, nor would I feel ashamed to admit that I saw it and liked it, for this reason: It was not a sin for me to be there. Sitting in that audience, hearing a few swears and talk of sex, drugs, homosexuality -- I was not sinning. Given that, plus my motive towards furthering my compassion and understanding, there is no sin involved for me. The only way I could see it as a sin for someone to see this play is if a man were there lusting over the actresses singing suggestively with bare middriffs. So, anyway, I'd recommend this play for the purposes of pure enjoyment. If you're easily offended and/or would prefer to keep a blind eye to very real issues going on just next door in our country, then "Rent" is not for you.

Anyway, I'm off my soapbox now. We got back last night and I proceeded to sleep for just over 12 hours! I didn't mean to... I was just watching TV and thought, "Oh, maybe I'll just nap for a bit until Joe calls..." Yeahhhhh, definitely didn't wake up until 4am... I looked at my phone, had a missed call, set the alarm for 8:30, and went back to sleep. Sorry Joe... I listened to your message this morning, though, and you didn't sound like you'd have been able to come over anyway. We'll just have to wait another week. (I'll be home next weekend, Friday morning to be exact, for Easter.) I went to church today--it was a good message, Pastor Gerry rocks. Lunch with the fam... I'm gonna chill with my parents for a bit and then go back to school to do my homework!

Praise God for the beautiful weather we've been having. I hope it continues! OK, time to go... hugs to you all :)

2003-04-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

So, I have this list of stuff I want to do in my life..someday.. preferably before I die! Some of them are big, some are simple... I was copying that list into my journal last night (Imagine that - I have a journal outside of this journal!) And a thought occured to me: When am I going to start on this list? What am I waiting for?! I might as well get going now! Silly me... It's like I was waiting for some sort of point, like after graduation or after I get married... Just plain silly. So, in case you're interested, here's the list (though it's not exhaustive)...

* Go to Europe * Learn how to knit or crochet * Play the guitar well * Play "Fur Elise" and "Canon in D" on the piano * Go bungee-jumping or parasailing * Own a horse * Learn to play golf * Learn to play chess * Adopt a child * Be fluent in sign language * Donate hair to Locks of Love * Learn how to do a back flip * Make a quilt * Own a nice (digital?) camera * Make something on a pottery wheel * Fly first class

Ok, it's homework time :) Goodnight kids!

2003-04-08T22:42:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts today...

Back to Hawthorn today after their spring break.. it was great, I missed all my little first-graders. Their bright smiles and sweet voices calling out "Mrs. Moss!!!" just melts my heart. * Speaking of hearts melting, Sam and Seth did the job once again today. Seth with his tight-squeezing hugs and Sam helping me pick out shoes at the store ("Yes, I care-- those look better!") * I can't wait to see Joey-bear this weekend, hee hee, I miss my big little bro. I just want to hug his troubles away. * God has been whispering to me lately, it's been awesome. His love baffles and overwhelms me. * The Bible is just so amazing... so incredibly packed FULL of such awesome stuff... I can't even handle it. I wish my feeble and finite brain could take it all in, understand it all, and be able to recall and use it every minute of every day. * I talked to an old friend tonight. We had a pretty deep discussion on passion. Not about passion for something, but rather experiencing passion. He made a comment regarding the desire for me to experience this something that is so wonderful and amazing. It made my heart swell as I thought of how much I want him to experience the Wonderful and Amazing that I have living in me, for me, and through me every day. * I refuse to doubt the whisperings that God has given me simply because He hasn't given them to someone else. My conversation with this old friend brought about reminders of many conversations with another friend. Again I say that I refuse to doubt... After all, "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1) God will withhold no good thing from those who serve Him... and "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 6:28)

Goodnight folks, hugs to you all

2003-04-06T17:21:00.000-05:00

Wow, I am just so blessed with the friends I have... They are just awesome and I'm reminded of that not just daily but constantly! I especially treasure the ones that I have walked through the fire with, either directly or indirectly, and we've come out of it with little or no scarring... our relationship is even better now because of it! Those are the people that will always hold a special place in my heart. There's just a handful of you, but I trust that you know who you are. We have such great memories and I love knowing that we will remember them forever. I wish I could adequately express to each of you how much you mean to me... I don't think that a thousand words would even begin to do the job...

Ok, well that's my randomness for the day... Onto the massive amounts of homework that await me! :)

2003-04-05T15:16:00.000-06:00

A compliment, in it's purest form, is one that comes from a child. On this particular day it was from a five-year old.

I babysat for Sam and Seth this morning. I rolled out of bed at 7ish and was over there half-dressed, half-pajamas, by 7:30am. Jen ended up sticking around, so I was basically there for crowd control while she rested, fighting off a migraine. Seth was playing the computer while Sam and I were sitting at the table as he finished up his lunch. Jen came in and sat down. Sam and I were talking idlely, about nothing in particular. Sam was in and out of his chair as he ate and talked. He wandered over to me and stood about a foot from my face, just looking at me. (You know that moment when you just sorta lock eyes with someone...) And he just looked at me for a second and then he goes, "I like your eyes." I just sorta smiled and said, "Thank you, Sammy" and Jen goes "What do you like about her eyes, Sam?" He says, "I like the color... the brown color." Jen says, "What else?" Sam replies, "I like her eyebrows..." Jen started to comment, but Sam interjected with, "And I like the white parts." We laughed. What a sweet and observant little guy.

If that didn't make my day wonderful enough, just wait... Later, I was in the kitchen cleaning up a bit, and Sam bounded in asking for a piggy back ride. I said no, because I was cleaning. So, he joyfully proclaims, "Ok!" and proceeds to step in front of me, wrap his arms around my waist, and step onto my feet. So I started walking around the kitchen with him attached, just going about my business. He looks up at me and says, "Stephanie... I love you."

Wow, my heart just bursts for those kids... so much it hurts!!! What a blessing.

2003-04-04T09:37:00.000-06:00

You think you know, but you have no idea. Yeah yeah, it's a cheesy line from MTV's Diary show, but still... It's the line that's running through my head today. It reminds me of Joe's post about the whole of who he is being like a book and most people have only gotten through the first chapter or so. I think I can agree with that one, my dear!

I fell asleep encompassed by a gripping fear last night. I mentioned a couple posts ago that God had given me a specific date.. well I was thinking about that day (it hasn't come yet, by the way) and I was thinking about all the possibilities of what it could mean, etc etc... And then I was thinking of all the things that it could be that I won't even SEE..(like, that day could go on as normal and I wouldn't know any different) and that's when the fear hit me. The fear of disappointment leading to me giving up... I'm afraid of trusting Him... of having to continue to wait and see what He's doing... I'm afraid that during this prolonged season of blind trust, that I'm going to fail Him. And, of course, in the midst of all this fretting, I was reminded of the verse in Isaiah 55 that says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways..." I know, God, that I understand! But does that make it easier for me to trust and obey and wait and listen? It should, I guess... sadly it doesn't. It's ironic that I am such a pro at having patience with people and/or things here on earth... but when it comes to having patience with waiting on God, the Creator of the universe and the Lord of my life, I totally suck.

Anyway, switching topics... I've decided that these gray, rainy days are NOT helping me here! I need some sunshine!!!
OK, gotta go, bye kids - have a great day!

2003-04-03T20:21:00.000-06:00

Blog-writing shouldn't be forced, it should just flow. I have this huge desire to post, but nothing's flowing. My heart and mind are filled with loads of stuff that's weighing heavy today, but somehow I doubt that the words will come at all. So I'm gonna call it a night... Prayers are welcome and appreciated :)

2003-04-01T12:24:00.000-06:00

WOW, the weather is absolutely gorgeous!!! I went to check my mail and then went over to the mail room to get a package, and I just wanted to keep walking...all over campus! The sun feels so nice and there’s the slightest breeze that is just wonderful. Makes me so happy :)

Anyway... onto business at hand. Today is the first day of Trinity’s 31 days For those of you who don’t know about it, I’ll tell you. It’s a campus-wide (or, as many as possible), month-long (hence, 31 days) event where we were encourage to fast from any certain activity that takes up unnecessary time. It doesn’t have to be an activity; it can be a certain thing such as food or something. (For example, my roommate is giving up Snood. It may seem silly, but sometimes she really ends up wasting a lot of time playing.) But basically, with the absence of this, the time is to be used to draw to the Lord and really try to hear Him speak... 3 years ago, when the campus did this, the result was the vision for F.A.T.!!! So we’ll see what God has in store this time around :)

As I was thinking about what to give up, I was really undecided until last night around 10pm. Basically there’s nothing that I really do at a set time each day that I would be able to give up. So I started thinking about it more abstractly, as far as what activities take up even small bits of time here and there and then end up amounting to a lot of time/attention that could be focused elsewhere... The answer was clear: Instant messenger. Ouch! LoL, I have always admitted that I am addicted to it. I love keeping in touch with people that way—it’s just so convenient! But, at times, I do just sit and read away messages and have random casual conversation that really could be saved for later. Plus, what’s the point of being signed on all the time when I’m gone for 90% of the day anyway?! SO, for the next 31 days, I am seriously limiting my IM time. I’m not sure what the exact parameters are yet, but for you fellow IM-ers, you won’t be seeing extended away messages during the day anymore. I will still sign on at night (cuz that’s the most active time to talk to people anyway) but even that will be limited. I might sign on sporadically during the day, but again, never for extended amounts of time. Sooooo, we’ll see how this goes. It feels weird already today, because I look at my computer and think “What are you good for without IM?!” Of course that’s ridiculous, but it’s only an initial thought. I’ll get used to it soon enough. (yeah, by Day 30 I’m totally used to being without it... then will I ever come back?! Hmmm..... haha, yeah! you know I will..)

Anyway, so I hope that you IM-ers don’t miss me too much... Just keep reading the blog and catch me when you can on IM! Onto the next order of business...

I had two totally vivid and elaborate dreams last night. It was strange, because I know that I dream often, but I rarely remember them. Also, between the two dreams there seemed to be a spiritual battle. One of them was very much (or could have been) from the Lord, and the second was anything but godly. It was interesting... I’ve been playing them both through my head and examining all possible interpretations. (Along with the possibility that they were both just nonsense created by my subconscious.) But they also make me wonder...

Ooooh, random story.... Last semester, sometime during the middle of the semester, I was praying about a particular issue and I was totally deep into it... feeling like I was practically removed from the room and instead at the foot of the throne of God. And as I paused in my prayer and just sat there, two dates floated into my head... One specific day and then a day two days prior to the first one... And then that’s all I heard. Those two dates have been engrained in my mind ever since, and they are now approaching. I’m not going to tell you all when they are (even though a couple of you know), but I’ll just say that they are within these 31 days. So, I wonder if there’s any correlation between those dates and what God will do with me and with this campus during this next month... Very exciting stuff!!!

Ok, well I’ve gotta go be productive now... Peace out!!

2003-03-30T22:21:00.000-06:00

Stephanie and I were talking today about the different personas that people assign to God... Like, most often, women tend to see Jesus as their Lover, their Savior, their Protector.. a knight in shining armor, so to speak, who will love them unconditionally... whereas men tend to view Him as their Master, their King, One who they will loyally and faithfully serve... It's interesting that we have these two different views, yet not at all surprising. So, I was thinking more about that tonight and then I was reading more of, you guessed it, The Final Quest.. and there's a part where this "angel" (or what he thought was an angel) that went around with him for awhile, named Wisdom. And finally he realizes that this angel is actually Jesus. And Jesus says, "Yes, I told you that I would never leave you or forsake you. I am with all My warriors just as I am with you. I will be to you whatever you need to accomplish My will..." That's a pretty cool thought. Not to mention comforting... Jesus is something different to me nearly every day, and I'm just SO thankful that no matter what He is, He is mine and I am His.

(speaking of that, I'm still toying with the idea of getting that tattooed somewhere on my body, written in Hebrew: "I am My beloved's and He is mine" It may seem like a cliche or a trend... but that doesn't change it's profundity and applicable truth to my life... Perhaps someday...)

2003-03-30T16:21:00.000-06:00

Weird moment of the day: Feeling completely alone in a room full of people

2003-03-30T10:44:00.000-06:00

"Show me Your glory" by Third Day

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same

Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord

When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again

Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You

This song totally makes the Spirit stir inside of me... The words speak what my heart desires to communicate... That's why I love music so much. It's the most amazing, indescribable feeling...

2003-03-30T00:06:00.000-06:00

My friend Joe wrote a really good metaphor in his blog tonight. Check it out... I'm so proud of my little bro!!! He's always proving his awesomeness :op

Anyway, it's Saturday night... I didn't do much of anything today. Slept over at "the doggy place" with Katie last night. We had a blast! It's just too bad that Big Head wasn't more well-behaved. Out of nowhere tonight, I got a really bad migraine. It started out as just a headache and I figured I could handle it. But then it got so bad that I had to lie down... it was making me nauseous and I felt dizzy if I moved. So, I fell asleep for about two hours... Woke up, all better! But, at that point it was like 10:30ish, too late to really do anything. Oh well...

So I'm still reading The Final Quest... Dang, that book is just so amazing. I wish there was a way that I could take the principles I'm learning and just stamp them to the front of my mind so that they're always there every minute of the day, always at the front of my remembrance, always making an impact, permanently. Here's an excerpt of what I read recently that really stood out most...

(This is the leader of angels speaking to the narrator)
We have witnessed many wonders since the creation. Bu the voluntary suffering of men for the Lord and for their fellow men is the greatest wonder of all. We, too, must fight and even suffer at times, but we dwell where there is such light and glory that it is very easy to do this. When we see men and women choose to suffer for a hope they can see only dimly in their hearts, it causes even the greatest angels to bow their knee and gladly serve these heirs of salvation. We marvel at the dedication of you who dwell, with so little encouragement, in a place of such darkness and evil.

It just leaves me speechless... So, on that note, I'm off... Goodnight kids

2003-03-28T15:35:00.000-06:00

Two main thoughts came to me today... First, I hate the fact that putting on makeup makes me feel so much better about myself. I paint my face, alter it to a state different than the Lord made it to be, and then I feel ten times better about my appearance and my self in general. Ugh, that sucks. I don't know if there's a way I can change that though... Secondly, the issue of stress relief. I used to hear people talk about working out to relieve stress and I'd think, "That's ridiculous! It's time-consuming and it just wears you out even more!" But as I was going crazy on the elliptical today, I realized that I was totally forcing the stress out of my body in a way that just laying in bed wouldn't accomplish. Rest definitely feels good, cuz you can focus on relaxing your muscles and whatnot. But sometimes all that rest does is make the stress lie dormant for a bit. It doesn't cast the stress out. Exercise, on the other hand, forces the stress out through the expenditure of energy.

So anyway, that's that... Thank the Lord it's Friday :) Pray that this weekend lasts a looooong time!

2003-03-26T11:58:00.000-06:00

Spiritual maturity is always determined by our willingness to sacrifice our own desires for the interests of the kingdom or for the sake of others. The door that requires the most sacrifice to enter will always take us to the highest level. (Excerpt from The Final Quest)

I read this last night and it just floored me. When we are faced with a tough decision - whether it be a spiritual matter or a relationship issue or anything else - it so often comes down to a willingness to sacrifice. There are always at least two paths you can take and it can be SO HARD trying to choose one. I think that what is more difficult than anything is looking past the short term and into the long term. (I know that that's almost always the case for me... I want to see results now!) Interestingly enough, the door that may be the least desirable for your current situation (requiring the most sacrifice) is the door that will benefit you most in the long term - taking you to the highest level, bringing you closer to the Kingdom.

It's like the issue of sexual purity... As much as it may suck having to refrain from doing "bad stuff" with your boyfriend or girlfriend and as difficult as it may be at times, you can be confident in the knowledge that you are being obedient and the rewards will be GREAT when the time is RIGHT.

If that parallel doesn't appeal to you, this whole principle can even be applied to a non-spiritual situation... For example, working out. I used to hate doing it cuz it was just a hassle and I wasn't seeing the results, blah blah blah. So I just quit. But once I finally decided to bite the bullet and start doing it every day (sacrificing), I started to see the results that I had been desiring (it took me to the next level).

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place today, so I hope that made sense. If not, just disregard what I wrote and meditate on the excerpt... make your own interpretation and apply your own experience. Have a great day, kids!

2003-03-24T18:15:00.000-06:00

Told ya it'd be gone by the end of the day ;)

Thanks Brad

2003-03-23T17:08:00.000-06:00

#41

What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
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Think this is true? I'm not so sure... Sign the guestbook with any thoughts!

2003-03-23T14:43:00.000-06:00

Compromise: A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions. Seems like a good idea right? Equality, justice, fairness...all good things. But when it comes to spiritual matters, there can be no compromises. Compromise will never maintain a lasting peace. It will only make the ultimate conflict that much more difficult when it comes - and come it will. I've been reading The Final Quest by Rick Joyner and this book is just rocking me. As much as I struggle with bouncing between the Me who I want to be and the Me who I am tempted to be, I know that there can be no compromising. There are no in-betweens. My every word, thought, and deed will take me either closer to the Light or closer to the darkness. I'd recommend this book, folks... It's awesome stuff.

2003-03-22T16:15:00.000-06:00

This post is dedicated to Mike Mihaljevich...

"Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down, "Everything" by Stereofuse, and "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds... Mikey, those are 3 songs that you have specifically recommended to me in the past year or so... Good songs for the tape, don't ya agree? I think we need to keep that baby going... forever! :) No joke..

I miss you, buddy :)

2003-03-21T00:09:00.000-06:00

Yup, Thursday nights after F.A.T... That's when my best stuff comes... Well, it might not be my best, but it definitely breeds the greatest desire to pour out into my blog.

Instead of having our regular F.A.T., Justin McRoberts came and gave a concert. Wow... It was awesome. God spoke a lot of things to me tonight... Maybe they weren't ALL God speaking, but He was definitely touching my heart, making an impact... I talked last week about how it "hurts" going to F.A.T. I am at my most vulnerable place before God. And that can be very painful. Tonight that concept presented itself once again, but it hit wounds that run much deeper. Funny thing about wounds - they need to be exposed in order to heal. And that healing process hurts. If the wounds aren't exposed and taken care of.. then they will begin to fester and undoubtedly leave scars. I don't know what it will take, on my part, to get these wounds healed. I don't think I'm even fully aware of how deep they run. But I take total comfort in knowing that I'm a child in the arms of my Father, and He will continue the work He has begun in me and carry it on to completion.

Next on the list... the subtitle of my blog, as you can see, is "just tryin' to be real" That's such a great desire of mine. To just be real. To be who I am, who God made me to be. But something I realized tonight is that there are two real me's. I think that I sometimes may be mistaken for a hypocrite... weak-willed... unstable... basketcase... who knows what else. But the thing is, those qualities only come from the mixing of the two me's. There's the "me" that I'm tempted to be because it's so much easier and often so much more fun. Then there's the "me" that I truly, deeply, sincerely, in my heart of hearts desire to be... One day I'll get there.. I just need to stop "forgetting how sweet Your mercies are, O Lord..." (to quote one of Justin's songs that just totally rocked me)

Speaking of songs that rocked me, third on the list... He put John Donne's Holy Sonnet 14 to music!!! Wow, I was totally floored! We studied that poem last semester in Poetry class and I loved it then but I hadn't really read it since. All I'd memorized was my own interpretation of a certain stanza, which basically says "Lord, unless You make me Your slave, I will never be free!" Well, the actual verse says:
Except you enthrall me, never shall I be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Amazing stuff tonight, kids... Once again, I find myself falling on my face in reverent submission, humility, worship, and the deepest thankfulness to God. He is SO patient with me. I just can't fathom it.

2003-03-19T20:32:00.000-06:00

Just gotta give props to Brad for his post about his opinions on the whole war and Sadam and Iraq situation... I'd have to say that I agree. Well done, my friend!

2003-03-19T17:21:00.000-06:00

See, this is what happens when I don't post on here regularly.. When I let too much time slip by, there's SO much to say, I don't even know where to begin! Although, I really don't have any great desire to post anyway... It's like when you get into a regular routine of working out every day.. if you skip more than one day, you're in trouble. The motivation begins to fade...

So, I'll just give an overview of what's been going on in the past week or so... Since I've been back from spring break, I've got this whole new perspective on things. I have been back for 10 days and have worked out on 8 of those 10. I know that sounds pretty unbelievable to those of you who know me best. I don't know what the deal is... This whole new crazy perspective of mine has made me realize that there IS enough time in each day for me to do the things that I need/want to get done, and I don't need to stress out about it in the process! It's been really amazing, actually. Wonderfully amazing! I hope it sticks around...

Besides the working out, school is the same.. keeping me very busy, but like I said, I'm not stressing out! I think a bit part of it is that I'm learning to make sacrifices for the Lord's sake. The whole concept of bringing a sacrifice of praise to the Lord has been really huge for me... I never used to understand it, cuz I'd always think "How could it be a sacrifice to praise God!?" But I realized that it is a sacrifice when you do it even when you don't feel like it. God will bless sacrifices like that, as long as you're not there complaining the whole time. That's why I went to FAT last week (and look how much I got out of it! It was awesome) and that's why I made myself go to bible study this past Monday night (it blessed me big time). I'm not saying that I do these things for the blessings. But I do them because I trust God. I trust that through my gift of sacrifice or act of obedience that He will use it to draw me closer to Him - and that's all I ever want to do!

Right now I'm reading The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. Wow, this book is pretty freakin' incredible! I've only read the first two chapters, but I'm hooked. It paints such a vivid picture of the spiritual realm... the spiritual warfare that we experience each day and the battle that we will one day have to fight. Awesome stuff...

My summer plans are finally coming into focus... It looks like I'll be in IL for the summer! Heidi Brogger and I are gonna live together... We both knew that the other was sorta looking to stay around here for the summer, but it wasn't for sure yet. Then on Monday, we both decided that we so need to just be roommates, cuz it'd be way fun. So we're now looking hardcore for a place...preferably within a half hour (max) of Deerfield. We kinda want to get this all figured out ASAP, so if anyone sees or hears about any ads, let me know!

That's about all the news for now... I'm feeling great and loving life because God is SO good!!! Take care, kids :) Until next time...

2003-03-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

Wooo hooooooo!!! We've got our blogs back!!!! Thank you Mr. Unblocker, whoever and wherever you are! :)

2003-03-14T00:02:00.000-06:00

OK, so blogger.com is unblocked, but not blogspot.com... so we can't see our blogs, but at least we can still update. (It's all still in the works...)

I went to F.A.T. tonight... I used to be a regular attender, but this semester sorta dropped out due to extreme stress and busy-ness. Tonight I was reminded of a symptom, so to speak, of going to F.A.T... It really hurts. Not physically, of course. But emotionally, spiritually, mentally... It really hurts being that vulnerable before the God of the universe. During worship, I feel everything times ten. Any sort of pain or frustration or confusion or insecurity or whatever else that I'm going through from day to day... it bubbles to the surface from whatever depths I'd hidden it and just pours out of me. That's what hurts.. ugh, gosh, it hurts... But you know what? I also feel the good things times ten and then some. You know that feeling when you just KNOW that you are being taken care of? And you know that this too shall pass? I just feel incredible hope... joy... and "peace that transcends all understanding!" That hope and joy and peace will live on, but sometimes it's just not as near to the surface as I'd like.

I'm tired, kids.. so goodnight, and keep on keepin' on! (Cuz really, what other choice do you have anyway?!)

2003-03-09T23:33:00.000-06:00

Well, kids, this could quite possibly be my last blog for who knows how long... I've been informed that Trinity's already ridiculous internet blocking system has now blocked blogger.com, which is THE blogspot...the home and source of all blogs... I have a feeling that with minimal petitioning, we should be able to lobby to get this site back... However, how long will it take? I don't know.

So, until who knows when, this will be it. I wish I had something deep and profound to leave you with until next time...

What's on my mind right now are simple pleasures... One of which I greatly enjoy: singing the shower. It's something that's become somewhat of a cliche. Why is it that people so often habitually sing in the shower? What is the appeal? Another great place, perhaps an even better place, to belt out your favorites is while driving (solo, of course) It's probably better because you can sing as loud as you want and no one will hear. Great stuff...

Hmm... How about some highlights of my spring break: The mini-road trip to Minneapolis (obviously, since a whole entry was dedicated to it), the lazy afternoons/evenings hanging with my parents or with Joe (or both! Hahaha, the Butt's jokes!), the afternoon o' fun with David, "watching" Howard the Duck (quite a bittersweet evening!), going to TGIFriday's with Joe and devising our "plan" (hee hee!), FTJ (don't know if I want to keep myself in the ranking polls.. we shall see), making a really cool new friend through that random venue of FTJ (wearin' a hoodie just for you, my dear! :-p hee hee), the conference at Elmbrook (once again, it got a whole entry to itself)... Hmm.. I think that's a pretty thorough list. Good times.. Well, bigger and better things await me at the moment, so I'm going to give them my full attention.

Goodnight all... Leave me a bunch of guestbook signings to come home to, ok?! :)

2003-03-08T15:23:00.000-06:00

I feel SO renewed today. The body-mind-spirit rest that I have received is far greater than that which the hours of sleep I'm lacking could have provided. I spent all morning at a women's conference/seminar at Elmbrook Church. It was called the "Aroma Cafe" and the theme was based around the idea of examining what is in your "cup" at this season of your life. It was finally brought to my undivided attention that I have been on a downhill slide for the past few weeks or so. Very slowly, but downsliding nonetheless. Nothing too serious, but compared to who/what I want to be, it sure could be serious if I don't shape up soon.

I don't know how much of what I learned I'll actually share with you today... A lot of the application to my life is personal stuff that doesn't need to be broadcast across the internet.. But if, after reading this, you want to hear more about it in different means of communication, feel free to ask :)

Through the women who spoke today, God was speaking to me very clearly on several issues. The first thing that was brought to my attention was God beckoning me to come back to Him... not because I had turned away or abandoned Him, but because I had given up. I thought back to a blog I had posted back in February, on Valentine’s Day that spoke of my sincere contentment with my current station in life. (If you use that V-day link, you'll have to scroll way down to find the Feb. 14th entry) What happened to that contentment?!? I just gave up. I became impatient and grew weary of waiting on God. So I decided to take matters into my own hands… to try and figure things out on my own. Smart, huh? You’d think I would’ve learned by now to stop doing that!!!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

The second thing that got me was something I've been trying to ignore for quite awhile but finally had to face today. Sacrifice. By definition, it is not supposed to be easy!!! The dictionary puts it beautifully: “The forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value.” There are things in my life that I need to stop. Simple as that. But I just don't, because it would be too hard... far too taxing on this already stressed out body to make such a sacrifice. Plus, the fear of failure, and the guilt that accompanies such a failure, is just too great. What a load of crap! As Christians, we are called to sacrifice. Jesus's very presence on earth was a sacrifice for us!!! It's the least I can do for Him - to give up things whose pleasure is fleeting in exchange for the pursuit of something far more valuable...obedience. This topic also brought me back to the Proverbs 31 woman, whom I haven't thought of in quite some time... I so greatly desire to model her behavior as a woman of God. I felt a nudging question, "When are you going to start doing that then?"

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.... She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. ~ Proverbs 31:10, 25-30 I highly suggest reading this whole passage, ladies.. What a fantastic portrait to model yourself after.

A third thing that got to me was said by the second of three speakers... "Everything that happens in our lives has been 'Father-filtered'... He knows where it came from and He knows what He is going to do with it. Resistance changes nothing. Watch, wait, and do the work that He has set before you right now. He will be faithful in taking you to the next step." I think that about explains itself. It definitely put me in my place. Sure, I may be the one who makes stupid mistakes every other day, but He's the one who's got a plan for my life.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.... You will seek Me and find Me when you seek with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:11,13

The fourth thing I want to share wasn't so much a conviction as it was a stated desire... one that made my heart flip-flop because I could so deeply resonate with it... I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death... ~ Philippians 3:10 To become like Christ "in his death" means to serve him in costly ways, ways that lead to the demise of our old habits and patterns. Sacrifice. Sacrifice which yields a reward above and beyond anything we could possibly imagine.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. ~ Ephesians 1:17-19 That's my prayer for myself as well as all of you... That the eyes of our hearts would be opened and ever focused on Him.

2003-03-07T17:43:00.000-06:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhyxvcbhsenmbgjkhgdfviuyzxcvajkns!@#$%@#$!!~*&!!!!! So much to freakin' think about! I don't want to think. I just want to be.

Mixed messages, forbidden fruit, tough decisions, confusing situations... Is this what I signed up for?! I don't think so, I want a refund.

Blah. OK, I'm out for a fun and carefree night with my big little brother Joe :) More later, kids

2003-03-04T21:07:00.000-06:00

So, I'm getting a little antsy for a change in my life... I'm getting kinda tired of the same old image in the mirror day after day.. This happens to me once or twice a year, and usually when it does, I end up chopping my hair. But I'm trying to avoid that, since I really want to see how long I can grow it out. So, what other options do I have? I could highlight my hair... But, nah... I've never dyed it before, so why should I start now? Once you start, you're locked in for life... I could get a tattoo? No thanks, too permanent. (Once again, stuck with it for life.. and I'm too unsure of what I'd get and where to even risk it...) Another piercing is an option... I used to have my tongue pierced, so that one's out. Bellybutton, no thanks. I'm definitely leaning towards the eyebrow piercing... I almost did it over Christmas break. My mom offered to do it for me-- all I'd have to do is by the ring, obviously. For those of you who haven't already, give me your input. I have one vote for yes and one for no. (Joe specified yes, as long as it's the right brow... and Justin voted no, even though eyebrow piercings are hot, apparently good girls don't do that.)

OK, so let me know... sign the guestbook, email me, or just tell me. Don't be offended when/if your opinions don't affect my decision though, ok?! :)

2003-03-02T22:12:00.000-06:00

Hooray for weekend roadtrips to Minneapolis! We're back.. and we had a blast :) I'm so glad I went. Here's some of the weekend's highlights... (Most won't make sense to you, but if you wanna hear more detailed stories -- just ask and I might share!)

* Joe said "Dunham's" but we all thought he said "dums" and we proceeded to say "dums" at the most random times for the next two days
* The coolest joke ever told by Katy B... What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? [What?] Elephino!!!!
* Santana's (drug trafficking and cheese curds!)
* We decided that, whenever possible, regardless of our location, one of us would call out "Elephino!" and the rest of us would laugh hysterically for a few moments, then stop immediately as if nothing had happened.
* Scoot often yelling out "Helloooooooo!!!! LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA!"
* Katy saying "Bless you!" in the cute little baby voice whenever someone burped.
* Burritos at Chipotle
* The Mall of America
* Joe's bucket from Mystic Lake (Multi-purpose: coin holder and drinking glass!)
* Nye's and the 88-year old drummer
* Watching Mighty Ducks 2 and 3 on the Disney channel
* Katy and me dancing to "Swing Swing" by All American Rejects
* Scoot never getting tired of his "Do you trust me?" game
* Joe entertaining us with "the whale"
* Joe and Katy with their new saying "Candy is dandy but fruit can make you poop!"

Hmm... I think that's a pretty thorough list. Scootie, thanks again for being a most excellent host. I had an absolute blast! And hey, next time you're at Nye's, think of me, ok? Joe, thanks for driving us.. and I'm glad you bugged me until I finally caved in to going on this trip. It was good to hang out with my little bro again. :) Katy B, I'm so glad you were there to even out the boy-girl ratio! We females need to band together! I had so much fun laughing with you, talking in weird voices and "running at an incredible rate" in the back of Scoot's car :)

To all the rest of you... Trinity folks, enjoy your spring break! Have fun and be safe :) And everyone else...well, enjoy school, work, or whatever else you may be doing! I love you all... Goodnight :)

2003-02-27T23:11:00.000-06:00

Don't have too much to say tonight... Two main topics...

First, spring break!!! By this time tomorrow I will be in the Twin Cities visiting the coolest guy at University of Minnesota! Joe and I will leave Muktown tomorrow around 5pm, heading out to Whitewater to pick up Katy B., and then we're off! Our good buddy Scoot (no, that's not a typo.. we call him Scoot.. or Scootie or Scoot-scoot-la-boot) is planning on being very hospitable and I'm totally looking forward to it! It will be a great weekend. I will be home Sunday at some point... And then a couple days later, it's up to Plover, WI for a short visit to Zack's house with Zack, Bre, Graham, and Matt. And THEN, my mom gets back from Nicaragua on Thursday the 6th!!!!! I can't wait :) :) :) For those of you who are ease continue to pray for her trip, their awesome work and ministry there, and for safe return. (And, if you aren't praying, then get going!)

Second topic... A blog entry you MUST read.. Especially if you're a female... Jessica Keller This girl is amazing... Jess, you are a blessing, in the fullest sense of the word.

OK, well goodnight kids.... Got lotsa stuff to do... I'm going home in about 16 hours!!!!! :o)

2003-02-26T21:28:00.000-06:00

Wish that I could fly away... Sing it, Norah... you’re singing my song tonight. The artist: Norah Jones. The album: Come Away With Me. It would be in your best interest to acquire this one, folks. It's excellent stuff...

Moving on... In my thoughts today is a quote from Runaway Bride... Richard Gere (Ike) says of Julia Roberts's character (Maggie), "The S.S. Maggie leaves quite a wake!" Ouch. Truth hurts. Maggie is left momentarily speechless, wondering if what he's implying is actually true. His statement got to me as well... I fear that the S.S. Stephanie has created similar destruction. While I certainly haven't run away from the altar like Maggie, I've definitely left some wounded hearts behind. Not at all intentionally, mind you, but still... How much of it could I have prevented? That question haunts me... For someone who so desperately hates to hurt people, I sure have done my share of it. And, let’s not forget, that’s not to say that my heart is totally intact. I’ve taken an emotional beating or two (or twenty!).

So what is the deal with all these rollercoasters that we ride? Why do we put ourselves through such ordeals? Is it because the possibility of success is worth the risk? I suppose I’ve felt that way before. Now I’m not so sure. Turns out I’m not really sure of anything these days (or weeks... months even?) For a compulsive list-maker, planner, and organizer such as myself, this is absolute torture. I know that God will complete this work He’s doing in me... He will carry it on to completion so that His good, pleasing, and perfect will is done. I can’t wait until that day... I sure hope I'm not messing things up too much along the way until that day comes!

Anyway, I guess that's it for tonight... Two more days and then it's FINALLY spring break! Beautiful... simply beautiful... Goodnight kids... and though it goes without saying, I'll say it anyway: keep on keepin' on!

2003-02-26T12:01:00.000-06:00

The following was printed on the back of one of those "Prayer @ Trinity" things that we get every now and then... Normally I don't pay too much attention to these fliers, but I found this little write-up to be more than worth reproducing for you...

Kiss Me by Zach Kincaid

Snow White's prince risked that a kiss would awaken death so love might have new life. Ask any groom and each understands the weight of commitment as he kisses his bride on the high altar. Children may perceive kisses best. A boy takes hold of his father's hand and with pure inquiry asks, "Broke, daddy?" as he points to a scratch. The child proceeds to mark it with a kiss--sealed, healed, made new. "All better now," the boys says and runs away to play with life. How often do parents return those kisses for bumped heads, hurt fingers, or skinned knees? Children understand how to give and receive the kingdom of God, the embrace of love.

Abuse or neglect a kiss and you lose the mystery, the marriage, the innocence that God's kingdom requires. Judas lost it. Like Esau who gave up his birthright by trifling stew, Judas relinquished all intimacy for a payoff. He had come to hold a kiss as trite.

Jesus began to die with Judas' empty gesture. It brought the sun down to kiss the angry torches of a misplaced mob who carried away the great lover. The same creatures would use their lips to curse and spit at the Creator who stumbled off, kissing the ground with every fall and clasping the sky as he looked for relief. His body curled around the driven nails that held him against the wood in a contorted last kiss of life.

Who have you kissed? Judas' abhorrent endearment ushered in our bleeding redemption. But the Christ that was kissed off still waits; while we are a long way off, he sees us coming and is filled with compassion. He plans a run for us, to throw his arms and kiss us all the way to his kingdom. By a kiss he died, by a kiss he invites life. Remember that before Judas' betrayal, a "lowly" woman could not stop kissing the feet of the man who embodied good news for sinners. Though the disciples desired to stop her, Jesus welcomed her innocence and worship. May we be found with this redeemed prostitute, and not the betrayer who attempted to make Jesus in his image, could not, so he bought a kiss to kill him off.

2003-02-25T20:49:00.000-06:00

Forbidden fruit. What is it about something that's forbidden that makes it so desirable?! It all began with fruit, literally, when Eve ate that stupid piece of fruit that she was specifically told not to eat. And then Adam meanders by --probably wanting sex-- so when Eve offers him the fruit, he eats it too. Idiots... both of them... Anyway! So, because of original sin, this idea/concept of forbidden fruit has symbolically grown by leaps and bounds, spilling over into all areas of life's activities.

So that's what was consuming my thoughts today...(Obviously I'm not talking about literal fruit here, folks. Let's get figurative, ok?!) I won’t go into detail except to say I have one piece of fruit that is definitely forbidden and it has decided to dangle itself in front of me oh so recently which is rather annoying. Mostly because I can’t figure out why it’s so freakin’ desirable. It’s an obvious no-no and even if it were available, it’s probably not feasible anyway. Make sense? I hope not, cuz I really have no desire to share it with you guys (no offense, of course)… I just want to vent and voice frustrations in hopes that it will help me figure things out!

Anyway, I'm done for now... As usual, homework calls! Oh yeah, and it's SPA NIGHT! So I've got a massage comin' to me :)

2003-02-24T21:39:00.000-06:00

Just to let you know in advance, I don't have a profound, awe-inspiring blog for you tonight... Sorry! Today was a busy day... Chapel, lunch, class, class, "interview" with Randy (haha), dinner, and then night class. I have so much work to do, so much to remember... it was totally freaking me out today. I made a little "calendar" listing all the projects, tests, papers, and quizzes that we have in all 5 classes and when they're due and stuff. Hopefully that will serve to give me a better perspective as far as when I need to be working on what. So, besides the mental battles I have going on with school and other issues, to top it all off I think I'm starting to get sick... I haven't been sleeping well lately, and today I've been coughing a lot. It hurts... But you know what, it's all good because in just a few more days I get to go HOME and everything will be wonderful!!! :)

Ok, it's homework time... Goodnight kids :)

2003-02-21T14:53:00.000-06:00

OK, I have two things to say today... Well, I said plenty already this morning... But now I have two more.

First of all, the chapel speaker this morning was awesome and I'm so glad I went (instead of the alternative, which would be sleeping in till 11:00). One thing that he said just about knocked me out of my chair... He said that when we get to Heaven, God will say to us, "Well done, My good and faithful servant." Servant is the key word there. He won't say "My good first grade teacher" or "My faithful Bible reader" or "loyal soldier" or "excellent student" or anything else you can think of. He says, My good and faithful servant, because that is what He truly desires us to be. His servant... And when we serve OTHERS, we are also serving Him. "That which you do for the least of these, you do for Me." That is so key. It totally made me think about the goals I have for myself-- who/what I am and who/what I want to become. I want to truly love others and faithfully, selflessly serve them. Travis wrote an excellent blog on love today... Check it out...

My second thought for the day... OK, I mentioned a few blogs ago, this song that I have been listening to constantly lately... It's called "Protest to Praise" by Downhere. I just want to post some of the lyrics and my thoughts on them... For those of you who, like me, are really affected by music and lyrics that relate to you--this is good stuff.

I knew the times would come,
and now the times have landed--
With stinging abrasion.
As ready as I seem to be,
It's never like I planned it...

(pre-chorus)
I'm wrestling my thoughts, I'm overcome...
Would you give me up? I'm asking Lord!
There's nowhere I sense Your presence here!
So I will cry out, until I go...

(chorus)
...from Protest to Praise!
You're always amazing me!
You're changing me slow, but surely,
And You're gonna see me to the end.

How long will I be forgotten by You forever?
Cause You're not making sense here...
It seems like eternity has made a home between us

(pre-chorus)
(chorus)

This song just rocks... When you just feel ignored and neglected by God, like no matter how hard you try, you can't find Him.. This song speaks of having faith... It's saying God, I can't hear You... What are you trying to do here?! How long will this go on?!... I am going to keep bugging You about this until You answer me--because I KNOW You will! You are taking me through something I don't like, but I will go through it until I come out praising you on the other end! Wow... Yeah.. If anyone wants a copy of the song or the whole CD, let me know. There's several other songs that carry equally incredible blessings...

OK, now I have to get down to business. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

2003-02-21T09:26:00.000-06:00

Ponder this for a moment...
Why are you friends with me?
Why do you like me as a person?
What qualities/characteristics do I have that are attractive to you?
What qualities make you want to be my friend?
Just think about your answers to these questions...

My dear readers, please, if you have ever trusted me on anything, let this top them all and hit you hard right at the core...

Anything that is good in me is there because of the Lord. It was put there by Him, and is sustained by Him and Him alone.

Think about that for a second... Please believe it to be true, because let me tell you - if God hadn't captured me into the freedom of His Kingdom, I don't even know where I'd be. I can tell you for sure that I'd at least be a selflish, manipulative, trashy little bitch. I want ALL of you to know the truth about any and all of the good things that you may see in me. You are seeing reflections of Jesus. He has given me the fruits of His Spirit... gifts that shine through me as a reflection of His character... A character that I try to imitate each day.

Sadly, though, I often fail to emulate Him as I should. My flesh gets in the way. That's when you see my flaws.. jealousy, deceitfulness, judgment, impurity..the list goes on... Just know that I cannot take any credit for the good parts of me... It's killing me that I am put on a pedestal sometimes, because I simply don't deserve to be... Because all that I am is filthy rags. The good stuff was just given to me...

To love me is to love my Savior. You can't have me without Him. Because He is in me... He is the core of me - all that I am and all that I want to be. And YOU can have these same blessings every day--to use in every situation and facet of life! The infinite joy, the peace that transcends all understanding, the boundless love... He has those and an armful more, just read to toss 'em your way! Trust Him, Love Him. Consider what it means to do that... Ask Him, and it's all yours!

2003-02-20T22:07:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry... in it's deepest of meanings, that's all I can say.

2003-02-20T20:58:00.000-06:00

Clarity... why does it come to me at the most inopportune times?! Don't get me wrong... I'm always thankful when I'm brought out of the dark... But in this particular instance, it would've been pretty handy to me about 15 minutes earlier. Who knows... Perhaps I needed to be out of the presence of any source of pressure in order for the clarity to come... (I know that the pressure was not in any way intentional... apparently it was beyond both our control) Basically, what happened was five minutes upon entering my room, WHAM!, there it was. The answer. My thoughts all fell in place and I knew what it was I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Yup, five minutes too late. Perfect.

Strange how it all seems so simple now. Dang, the Lord works in freakin' mysterious ways... And I'm certainly in no place to be questioning Him, so I won't even bother. I just wish I could finish wading through all the confusing crap and finally be on the other side of the river.

So, now I owe a certain someone another conversation in which I explain the infinite fathoms of my inner workings... Or something else profound like that :o) Here goes!....

2003-02-19T19:36:00.000-06:00

Today was a loooooooong day, but I've been in a great mood all day! I don't feel like going into anything deep or profound because I already spent an hour today writing a "deep" letter... (And don't worry, you (you know who you are) will get it soon!)

Let's just go through some highlights from today...

*Woke up after exactly 6 hours of sleep feeling wide awake and strangely refreshed! I wonder if there really is something to that theory about sleeping in intervals of 3 hours...
*8:00 art class... We did the classic el. ed. stuff-- made projects with construction paper, scissors, glue, and markers... What more can you ask for?!
*Chapel.. Surprisingly good service. Dr. Waybright spoke from John 14... Really good stuff.
*A totally random, came-from-out-of-nowhere compliment was given to me by an even more random, unlikely person... and it absolutely made my day... no, actually, it'll probably carry me for the next month or so!
*Got some great new ideas and resources for school stuff... including a subscription to a teacher's magazine... It makes me so much more excited to start teaching!!!
*Became somewhat slap-happy during reading... Fun times!
*Toni Carmichael spoke in science-- hilarious woman! She spoke so lovingly about her husband (our regular professor for the class), which was adorable. AND, she clapped loudly and yelled "Wake up!!!" at Eric :)
*Was very entertained by Allison... first with, "Steph... I think the alligator is looking at me!" and then next when she lurched down in fear that the owl would think her hair was a nest!
*I DIDN'T lose the paper airplane flying contest! Heidi cracked me up as she took a running start before her launch... AND, I then watched Eric get nailed by Heidi's airplane :)
*And now it's 7:30 and I have the night to myself, the room to myself, and...well, yeah, I have a lot of work to do. But hey, I only have one class left this week... So no pressure :)
*Several times today I was reminded of the cool, cool people that are in junior block with me... I love it!!!!

Goodnight kids... Keep on keepin' on!

2003-02-17T16:28:00.000-06:00

I sometimes wish that I didn't know who read this.. I'm sure there's a whole bunch of you reading this that I don't know about and no matter how much I ask you to sign the guestbook, you still won't humor me! Oh well, perhaps you're doing me a favor.. (Yeah, doing me a favor while also robbing me of the joy I get from discovering new guestbook entries... Thanks...) But, anyway, I do know who does read this regularly, and that knowledge often forces me to censor what I write. That sucks. I initially started this blog as a dumping ground for all the crap that I just wanted to get out. And not always just the crap, but I wanted to share the happy stuff as well. Since that day back in November, I have, at times, written TO my readers. But at times, like right now, I just want to write for no one. I want to write into the void. I want to whine and complain without anyone knowing about it so that I can go on seeming like a strong, patient, well-adjusted young woman. Haha, and for the most part, I am. But I'm not feeling like it right now!

It's going to be a long, busy week. And to add to that stress is the wonderful blessing [said extremely sarcastically with immense distaste] that comes with being a woman. Whatever it is inside of me that is cramping up like it is--uterus, ovaries, whatever--it's freakin' killing me. It's really hard sitting in class for 4 hours listening to Tom Kehn or Alyson Bass talk about social studies or reading when all I want to do is lie on the floor in the fetal position!!! And, of course, Murphy's law would have it no other way than to only allow my Ibuprofen to kick in after class. Yeah, thanks. Enough said, I think.

Thankfully, today is almost over. It's almost 4:30, which means I have an hour to get a bit of work done and relax before dinner. Then *deep breath* night class. Math methods with Nadeen. I hope she goes easy on us tonight. I don't know how much I can take! Plus, with Monday nights comes Bible study. Do I go, 9:30-11, and get chapel credit? Or do I just go to bed? (ahhhhh, bed... fetal position... yeahhhhhh...) Ugh, tough decision! The jury is still out. I'll be sure and let you know.

Switching gears... Actually, no. Nevermind. Don't wanna go there. :) (Don't ya love it when people do that?!) I'm gonna stop now instead. Hopefully you'll all have a new blog to look forward to reading. David Cowser has one in the making... I'm gonna help him get it going tomorrow night! Should be good stuff... Until then, adios kids!

2003-02-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

These past two days have been very interesting... Let's do a rundown...

As a whole, Friday night was good stuff. I spent the whole night by myself which was absolutely wonderful. I'm not even joking, it was so nice to just be by myself, with my thoughts, and doing stuff for myself. I went to the mall and walked around. I got 2 pairs of pants and a shirt at Delia's cuz they were having a 'buy one get two free sale'...so that was a definite score. (One little bad thing: at the mall, my phone just conked out. I don't know what happened, but it just shut off and I couldn't get it to turn back on). And then I went to Dominick's and bought some Hot Pockets, a ready-made salad, and a bag of my favorite chips ever: the lime-flavored Tostitos. Then I went to Blockbuster and rented 2 movies. Plus to top the night off, I had a fun phone conversation with my dad. He's so great. So, mostly that night was good stuff. The bad stuff was when my roomie got back from her night with Brandon.. We had very little interaction until she was just about to leave for the ski trip that I had opted out of. Stephanie, though you denied it multiple times, I know you were upset (if not mad) and I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what to say except this was the best thing for me and I'm very glad I stayed home.

I was up late last night, till 2:30ish.. watching my movies and reading and whatnot. I slept in today, which was beautiful. I love sleeping until I just wake up naturally. Great feeling. I got up and went to the AT&T Wireless store to get my phone fixed. The cool lady there got it turned back on for me and said if I came back sometime this week, when they got a new shipment of batteries in, she'd swap it for a new one for me. (Cuz apparently shortly after I'd bought my phone, Nokia started making my model of phones with newer, better batteries.) So that was a bonus! I talked to my mom on the phone the whole ride home. She's hilarious, not to mention the most wonderful woman ever :) Anyway, then I came back here, showered, etc. Did some homework. I got ready and went on my "date". We had a good time, even though he showed up late! Apparently he had decided to take a little nap beforehand and overslept. It's alright though--he redeemed himself by providing good conversation and making me laugh quite a few times (and obviously buying me dinner). I don't know if I want there to be a second date or not, we'll see. Anyway, now I'm back here getting ready to watch a movie and do homework.

As much as I've seriously enjoyed having some alone time this weekend, I'm ready to join the land of the living again! I miss my roomie..in more ways than one.. We need some serious roommate bonding time. It's been lacking for quite awhile. It really hurts feeling so disconnected from her. Perhaps I react by keeping myself at a distance as well. I'm not sure...
Travis made me laugh today by popping in several times and at random times. Sorry Travis, as unpredictable as you'd like to be, who else would knock and run away, knock and run away, and knock and run away?! :)
And Katie, it was fun hearing your sweet voice telling me about your very interesting evening! Congratulations on getting asked out by a strange man in a kilt!!! That's gotta be exciting!
Justin, we need to have some chill time again soon. (my fruit punch is still in your refrigerator! :) haha) It's seems like you've been gone for a long time... a not-fun break in our recent patterns of daily interaction. I know you're having a good time with Jason though.
It was good to talk to Brad again today. Poor guy sounds like crap though :) Sleep, man, sleep and keep sleeping! It'll do ya good.
David, I hope Timber-lee was a blast this weekend. Good luck on catching up on homework. It definitely wasn't interesting reading, sorry man!

Wow, I just love my friends so much.. and my family too. I am so lucky.. and again, I don't like to say luck because I don't believe in luck. But you know what I mean :) Each and every one of you (including those I haven't mentioned--you have to know who you are) totally mean the world to me and please don't ever doubt that for one second. I don't know what I'd do without you.

2003-02-14T15:35:00.000-06:00

PRAISE GOD, the beastly Hyperstudio project is over and done with! After 7 hours in the computer lab, I left actually feeling good about the final product! You’d think that sitting in one room for 7 hours would drive one mad, but I actually had fun. There were quite a few of us junior-blockers in there and we made sure to keep each other entertained. A special thanks to Mr. Cowser for being my mac lab buddy - making me laugh, keeping me motivated, and helping me out when I needed it. You rock!

And now today is Single Awareness Day! I’m breaking my own tradition today—I’m not wearing black. I didn’t go to the other extreme by wearing red or pink either. I decided on a happy medium: yellow. This doesn’t symbolize any sort of fear or weakness, mind you, as the color yellow often does. But rather it stands for something bright and cheerful... happiness. I’m happy! I don’t mourn this day (not that I celebrate it either), because I am happy with my current station in life. I’m content with the season that God has me in right now. I had a realization a few days ago that I have to publicly admit - if I want to be honest with myself, which I do. My realization was this: I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. (For those of you who know me best, this is huge.) Don’t get me wrong: everything womanly and feminine in me desires to love and be loved. That will never change. But the logical, realistic, rational side of me doesn’t want that commitment just yet. Frankly, I don’t want to have to make time for someone else right now! I have so much going on, I want to be able to put my time into doing my best during this junior block. (“Personal Best” – it’s one of the LifeLong Guidelines! Hahaha) Who knows what next semester, or even this summer, has for me—but for now, it’s all about the singleness! The only man I’m concerned about spending time with these days is my God! :)

I recently acquired a CD by a group called Downhere. I’ve been obsessed with a couple of their songs for awhile now (I believe I blogged about them), but had never listened to the whole album. Wow, it’s really good... Especially lyrically. There’s one song that’s really hitting me right now, it’s called “Protest to Praise.” The chorus goes like this:

From protest to praise,
You’re always amazing me.
You’re changing me slow but surely,
And You’re gonna see me to the end!

That is a common theme in my life: going from protest to praise. I, with my feeble human mind, often go to the Lord in protest for the things in my life that I don’t like—as if I know better! But I always, always end up praising Him for the results—because His ways are always best! Wow, He is so patient with me, I’m SO blessed. Praise You God, I could never thank You enough! (It’s a good thing I have from now until eternity to try!)

2003-02-11T22:23:00.000-06:00

OK, so I'm supposed to be doing hardcore homework right now, but I just have to pause for a few minutes to blog this...

My schedule is incredibly busy, obviously. As if classes, observations, and work aren't enough--combine those three and I spend that much time on homework and studying as well. (Ok, well not quite, but homework/studying definitely seems to fill all of my free time.) So yes, I'm busy. I have two away messages that will probably be used most often for the rest of the semester... "Homework... So, though I'd totally love to talk to you, I can't. Leave some love :)" and "I'm here, but not available for conversation. Thanks :)"

I just have to tell you guys that those little "rules" aren't set in stone. I want to plead with you all-- (and Joe, I'm writing this with you in mind as it seems I always have to cut our conversations short, but this still holds for all of you who are reading this and then some) --if you need to talk to me or there's something particular on your mind or you are looking for advice or prayer or whatever--please tell me so. Call me, IM me, whatever... I will drop what I'm doing and give you my attention. Those "I'm busy" away messages are just to avoid casual conversation that can be saved for later. Please don't ever think I'm too busy to be there for you when you need me. Believe it or not, my friends' problems, cares, and concerns DO take priority over my homework!!! Especially if I'm able to help in some way!
I love you all so dearly... You come in at a close second (after my God!) to being the reason I wake up every morning.

2003-02-10T23:18:00.000-06:00

If these past two days were any indication of how the rest of my semester will go, then, wow... Well, not only Lord help me, but Lord help you all as well! I must ask you in advance to forgive me for my bad moods, poor attitudes, and overall rudeness. Please know that it is NOT you, it's just the beast that is junior block. I think junior block and I will have a love/hate relationship... Because I definitely LOVE being in Ms. Choi's first grade classroom, but I will not be enjoying all the work that I have to do in classes here.

On a different note, it's funny-- just as I was complaining about my extreme busy-ness to a friend last night, I got an email that had this one simple sentence: "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Talk about being humbled. I'm so thankful that He is unceasingly patient with me!

2003-02-09T14:09:00.000-06:00

During church this morning, I was seriously inspired with some great stuff to put in here... Let's hope I can conjure it all up again...

I was thinking about some issues I'm having with a friend right now, and weighing the pros and cons between how I want to react and how I should react. I was getting so frustrated at the different advice that I get from various people and wondering why I just couldn't figure out what God wanted me to do. I turned to Matthew 7:7-8 and read: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Then it hit me. I really dislike this passage. In fact, each time I read it, it makes me angry. (Lord, forgive me for speaking out against Your Word, but You know my heart and that it is only frustration caused by my human limitations.) The reason I dislike it so much is because it feels like all I ever do is ask (or plead), seek (a desperate search), and knock (more like pound)--but I rarely find any sort of answer. My dad once told me that the Lord always answers prayer in one of three ways: Yes, No, or Wait. Well, if this is the case, from what I can tell, I'm always hearing "Wait."

So, I was sitting there in church contemplating this passage (Sorry, but no, I was not really paying attention to the sermon at this point.) I decided to read further and what really hit me was verse 12... "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Wow.... Ok... That answered my question. How do I respond to these issues with this friend? Do what I would want done to me. Dang... I looked at the footnotes for this verse and part of it reads "The Golden Rule as Jesus formulated it is the foundation of active goodness and mercy--the kind of love God shows to us every day." I'm a Christian, which means that I want to become more like Christ, right? So my answer is to show love and mercy like Jesus did. No matter how difficult it may be for me, it's the right thing to do.

After reading these footnotes, I decided to read the ones for verses 7 and 8... "Jesus tells us to persist in pursuing God.... Knowing God takes faith, focus, and follow-through, and Jesus assures us we will be rewarded. Don't give up in your efforts to seek God and His answers. Continue to ask Him for more knowledge, patience, wisdom, love, and understanding. He will give them to you." Wow, that last part [emphasis mine] totally smacked me in the face. Instead of asking God how I should act, I should be asking for the tools to equip me to be Christ-like--and the appropriate actions will naturally flow from there.

Ahhhh, to be so gently yet firmly corrected. What a joy.

2003-02-08T17:14:00.000-06:00

I posted last night, but deleted it today. It was just lame and forced. I was in a totally deep and profound mood, but just couldn't manage to put it all into words. Today my away message says "I think now is a good time to move out of reality and into my own little fantasty world." That's what I'd like to do. For a month at least. Just get out of here and do something else for awhile. Something that doesn't concern my future or anything else "grown up" like that. So many random thoughts and issues flying through my head... I feel like spilling them, but don't even know how I'd begin to organize them... Ah well... I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until this disaster has passed. (Psalm 57:1) OK, I have a buttload of homework I could be doing, so how about I go be productive, eh? Maybe I'll post more later.

2003-02-05T00:47:00.000-06:00

It's absolutely amazing... the times and places that God chooses to speak to me and reveal Himself to me and provide for me in the most seemingly insignificant ways... My experience this evening: Chevelle concert - in a bar - packed like sardines amongst multitudes of drunk, sweaty men - music so loud you can barely hear yourself think - tripping over beer bottles - fearing for your life as the mosh pit slams only a few feet away... This was the scene where God decided to show up in my heart and mind tonight.

First of all, His provisions were abundant. I, being the 5'4" little thing that I am, ended up stuck behind 3 brick walls--one of them whose neck was bigger than his head. So, needless to say, I couldn't see a thing (to begin with). However, these 3 brick walls came in handy when the mosh pit was just a few feet in front of me and these 3 guys didn't budge. (A great thanks must be extended to Josh and Travis as well... They did their best to protect me... Josh tried to widen his stance to form a barrier around me, and anytime I moved even slightly Travis was ready to catch me :) Thanks guys) Another form of provision-- though it may not seem like a big deal, it really was to me... First, an analogy--you know when you go to watch a high school basketball game or choir performance--you always look for your friends, right? And they are your main focus during the show. Well, that's how it was tonight. I really just wanted to watch Joe, because I've never seen him perform live before and well, because he's my friend! (For those of you who don't know, Joe plays bass for Chevelle, which is comprised of he and two of his brothers Pete (lead) and Sam (drums).) Well, God's provision was during at least 95% of the show, there seemed to be a direct path through the crowd, putting Joe directly in my narrow field of vision. That definitely made me happy.

Next, onto the revelation of Himself to me. I've been fighting a few internal battles lately regarding various issues. I had a great talk with Jen tonight (once again she has proved her role as my mom away from home) and she gave me some great insight on a lot of things. But as I was watching and listening to Chevelle, God was just bringing such clarity and peace to my mind on so many of the things that have been confusing me in the past few weeks. Also, there's one particular thing that He spoke to me as clear as day...

For a little background info first-- those of you who know me well know these two things about me: 1) I can't wait to find "the one" and get on the road heading towards marriage, 2) I have a totally awesome dad. Though these two things may seem unrelated, they really are not. In my opinion, my father fulfills the roles of husband and father (just to name two) like no man I have ever seen. He's about as close to earthly perfection as you can get. So, naturally, I have always said that I want to find a husband just like my dad... Well, that is a great desire to have, but it's also kind of ruined me because it is rare to find a twenty-something young man who can compare with the forty-something maturity of my father. Obviously, I realize that it took my dad years and years to reach this level of wisdom, maturity, and experience. So my dilemma is this: How do I know what's okay to overlook for now? And what things must I stand firm on requiring of a potential mate? It's impossible to know what the future holds. And I DON'T want to go into a relationship with plans to/hopes of changing "him". So where does that leave me? I have no idea.

Well, this is what God spoke to me tonight... A man of character. Despite any flaws, shortcomings, bad habits, etc... I must require that he (meaning, of course, "the one") be a man of character. I cannot even express to you how many questions that answered, worries it eliminated, and burdens it lifted. I will continue to pray over this and seek to find more about the meaning of such a phrase. But in the meantime, it's good stuff. I will sleep well tonight. Praise the Lord :)

Goodnight kids, God bless and keep on keepin' on!

2003-02-03T17:21:00.000-06:00

Yay!!! I have a DVD player now! I have officially joined the rest of the technological world. :) It's actually a DVD/VHS combo... I've heard that that's not always the best way to go, but hey, I have quite a few treasured VHS tapes and I don't have my own VCR, so for me it's the best way to go. Plus, of the total $195 that I spent (unit, cables, and 2 year warranty), less than a third of that was actually my hard-earned dough---the rest was birthday money. So I'm very satisfied. Though I've thanked him a few times, I want to send out a public THANK YOU to Justin for accompanying me and giving me his expert input. (And for thoroughly intimidating the salesman that helped us! LoL) Thanks Justin, you rock.
In other news, it's Monday and despite the gray skies, fog, and misty rain--it's been a good Monday. Most likely in part because I had a great weekend. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I got to go home. It was wonderful--hung with my dad Friday night, spent all afternoon with my mom on Saturday, and went out with a few of my favorite ladies from camp on Saturday night! On Sunday, after church, my mom and I went out for Chinese and the fortune in my fortune cookie read: "Getting together with old friends brings new adventures." Ain't that the truth! New adventures indeed. :) I love those girls--Thanks to Brooke, Mel, and Nikki for a great night (and to Matt for being such a trooper!)
And, in further news, my heart is breaking as I learn more about troops being deployed for war in Iraq. Sometimes ignorance is definitely bliss, but I can no longer ignore what's happening now that it's directly affecting someone close to me. I don't quite know how to express it... It's such a powerful combination of immobilizing fear, immense concern, and the strongest desire ever for the Lord's intervention and protection. So, to the all-powerful Lance Corporal VonBehren, while I don't have the most eloquent or articulate words to say, know that my heart and my prayers are going out for you at every thought or mention of the situation. I also have a good friend who's in the Navy and my favorite cousin is in the Army, so I really need to call those two and find out what their status is at this point.
Well, kids, that's all for now. (Hopefully I haven't left you utterly depressed...) Just smile and know that the Lord's hand is in every thing... Faith is key; trust Him.
God bless and keep on keepin' on!

2003-01-31T15:39:00.000-06:00

My thoughts have been consumed with one particular "issue" all day today and I'm not happy about it. And, in the usual Stephanie fashion, I've found multiple songs that fit this particular mood and I've been listening to them over and over! I'm fighting the strong urge to display all of these fitting lyrics across the screen simply because I don't feel like sharing my innermost thoughts with the world. So, I guess the point of all this ambiguity I'm feeding to you is the hope that it will assuage at least some of the effects of this wistful and seemingly futile pursuit.
Lotsa big words in that last sentence... hehehehe, it's all part of my plan ;o)
On a lighter note, I get to go home this weekend! I'm definitely excited... For those of you who know how I feel about my home and my family, you will know that the moment I walk in the door--all is well. Problems are forgotten, stress disintegrates, and love abounds. I can't wait to hear the sounds that are forever engrained in my mind... My dog barking his wonderfully familiar greeting and the sound of his little paws scurrying across the slippery linoleum.. My brother casually calling out "Whaddup Bess" as he strolls through the room onto more important things... My dad's calm yet strong and encouraging voice saying "Hey Babycakes!"... And my mom's sweet voice exclaiming "Hi Honey!" (And, well, the cats just ignore me, but I'm fine with that) Yes, home sweet home indeed.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. I doubt I'll blog while I'm gone, but ya never know! Take care, God bless, and keep on keepin' on!

2003-01-30T22:39:00.000-06:00

I really had an excellent day today... I LOVE observing at Caruso! The teachers there are amazing, and from what I've seen, especially Adriane Reisman, Aaron Rumack, Chuck Stempien, and Kathleen Maguire. I have two days left there :( I'm pretty bummed about that. I'm gonna miss my kids in 9th and 10th resource: Bob, Tom, Joel, Chris, Elizabeth, and Ben! I learned a lot today... Just by observing, I got a ton of totally new insights on methods of dealing with kids. It was absolutely awesome. If you wanna know more about it, just ask me. It's a story that needs to be told, not typed.
Moving on... Today I was pondering my influence on others. What do people see in me? What do I want people to see in me? Are there qualities they admire? What are the qualities they would change or want to avoid? How do I portray myself? Are peoples' needs met through me? How am I viewed at first glance versus at further inspection? All these questions had few answers. I guess I only know what I hope for my relationships... First and foremost I want people to see Jesus in me. That old saying goes, "They will know you are Christians by your love." I hope that I display that. I despise the times I find myself not reflecting what a Christian should be. Sometimes, though, it's hard to do that while still relating to people. And, of course, habits of my old life often come back to haunt me. That life did not involve moderation in areas that I know must strictly enforce such a concept. Now that I'm 21, I pray that I am able to have the strength and discipline to exercise moderation in all areas.
Next... Jen is giving me a body wrap tomorrow morning. I'm pretty excited! I fear that this will be an event that will become an addiction. (Well, the event won't render the addiction, but rather the outcome will.) We'll see how it goes. This is my freebie, so we'll see if I'm gonna be willing to fork out the money for a repeat.
Third... I'm reminding myself today that all I have control over is separated into moments. I can't control what happens five minutes from now let alone five years from now. But I can control what I do for this moment... and this moment.. and so on. It's all a series of choices. The secular view of living for today is ironically but accurately applied in the Christian life. While the world says "Live for now, have as much fun as you can, while you can!"... The Lord says, "Live for now, Live for Me and I will take care of tomorow." That's pretty awesome... Isn't it painfully ironic that we still struggle to surrender our wills to the Creator and Sustainer of all life?! Silly us...

OK, well I'm pretty sleepy... Goodnight kids... I love you, God bless

2003-01-28T22:51:00.000-06:00

Sleep... I love it so much. So why do I continue to deprive myself of this beautiful and precious state of being? I have no freakin' clue! Actually, I do... it's because of my friends. I LOVE my friends. I love being with them... I don't care what we're doing, as long as I get to be with them. This has been the cause of my lack of sleep for the past 5 nights... A pattern which I'm going to break tonight as I will be in bed by 11:00 and, God willing, asleep by 11:01.

I think I will end with a verse that I read today... Proverbs 16:9... "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Something to ponder... It's a truth that I need to constantly remind myself of because as often as I try to map out practically my entire future, things rarely (if ever) go the way I plan. I'm totally fine with that, though. In fact, I much prefer it! It's good to know that He's got things all figured out. I just have to wait (which, granted, does suck sometimes.. but hey, it'll all be worth it).

OK, before I launch into some big, serious discussion... it's bed time. Goodnight all, and God bless

2003-01-27T14:28:00.000-06:00

My mom emailed this to me and I thought it was pretty interesting...

Your birthday is 1/24/1982, which means that you were:
19 years old at the time of the 9-11 attack on America
17 years old on the first day of Y2K
15 years old when Princess Diana was killed in a car crash
13 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing
12 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder
11 years old during the bombing of the World Trade Center
8 years old when Operation Desert Storm began
7 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall
4 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded
2 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh
a 1 year old during Sally Ride's travel in space

That's all :)
More later...

2003-01-27T00:14:00.000-06:00

Today was quite a day. Periods of stress--both good and bad--but all working out for the best. (Though it's technically Monday, to me it is still Sunday the 16th) It was a loooooooong day. It seems forever ago that I rolled out of bed and proceeded to seriously beat on my muscles during a workout video. I'm already feelin' that one. Just a minute ago I squatted down to pick something up off the floor and almost didn't make it all the way back up. My hamstrings and butt muscles definitely took some abuse. Anyway, despite all that, it was a great day. I exercised, relaxed, sorted out issues with a friend, made an appearance at a Super Bowl party, got some quality bonding time with my roomie, and the day has ended wonderfully with some very good conversation. I will go to bed with a smile on my face tonight.
~Goodnight and God bless~

2003-01-26T01:31:00.000-06:00

Over Christmas break I borrowed "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis from my grandma. I just started reading it the other day and there's been a ton of stuff that is totally sticking out to me-- making me sit back and ponder. (For any who don't know about this book, it's a compilation of letters from a demon named Screwtape to his nephew demon, Wormwood. Screwtape encourages Wormwood in his demon-ly duties, but also teaches him tactics and explains to him how humans work and how best to manipulate them. So obviously, it's written from a demon's point of view and it gives incredible insight into the way Satan, or as Screwtape calls him "Our Father Below", uses his minions in an unceasing battle against us.)
So, I'm just gonna share a few quotes and excerpts...

"The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn." --Martin Luther (this quote was placed as an intro to the book... the rest are from Screwtape)

"It is funny how mortals always picture us putting things into their minds; in reality our best work is done by keeping things out."

"He [referring to God] really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself--creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food. He wants servants who can finally become sons."

"He [again referring to God] wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles."

"The simplest way is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves... When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling..."

Yeah, it's very interesting stuff... I've been learning a lot. Also, since I've started reading this, I'm finding myself more sensitive to the whispers of my own personal demon. I hate him. I can only imagine the fun he must have had throughout my life, reporting back all that he's been putting me through. Also--can you imagine what it would be like if we could see in the spiritual realm? How terrifying would that be?! I don't know how brave you are, that would be absolutely terrifying. Praise the Lord that we will not be beaten. We can hate him and mock him in the name of Jesus, and rest assured that in the end Christ will have the victory and Satan will be defeated and condemned for all eternity!!!

It's like that song... "I'm crushed, but not pressed; persecuted, not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed..." Satan and his stupid little sidekicks can do whatever they want, but they cannot truly hurt me. The Spirit of the Lord dwells in me and "my heart is spoken for" :)

Praise God... Sorry for that tangent, kids, I just get a little worked up sometimes. I take that back though, I'm not sorry. That implies some sort of shame, and I'll NEVER be ashamed of this passion that burns in me far more than anything imaginable. Instead I'll say I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable to read about it.. And that sorry means that my heart breaks for you-- that you are missing out on the most incredible Love you'll ever find.